I’m looking for the light at the end of the tunnel. I’ve never known anything as hard as this. They say the hard road is the one you want to be on. I don’t think anyone wants this. I don’t. I’m here and I’ll stay here but I don’t want it. I’ll keep walking this road but it’s not because I want to. Nobody in there right might would want this.
What do I want? I want to live in a peaceful house. A house that isn’t like an orphanage. Without the loud, all the time. With people who respect others. Who are grateful when someone does something nice for them.
Without this seething anger inside of me for the ungratefulness and the constant rudeness and the lying. Oh the lying. Over everything.
Who ate the entire pizza that was in the fridge and meant for lunch for everyone? That “nobody” kid. Who made a mess all over the counter? That “nobody” kid. Who tracked mud all over the floor? That “nobody” kid. Even though one of them is standing there with mud on the shoes that should be by the door and not on their feet in my house.
The pathological lying about everything. It makes me grit my teeth. It’s the constant inability to tell the truth. The window that gets broken and two others see him do it but he says, “not me”. Never saying, “I’m sorry”.
I was gone most of the day yesterday. When I came home and checked my email I found one from Vlad’s new boss. Fill out this list of paperwork ASAP. So, tired as I was, I sat there for an hour filling out forms. He walked in the door an hour later and I said, “congratulations you got the job! You can call your boss in the morning and let her know the papers are all filled out.” Snarkily he says, “I’m no call tomorrow. I don’t want to start working yet. I’m tired.” UGH! If I hear one more time how tired you are I think I will scream. You get up at 11 (spring break), eat, go to the park and play and come home and eat again. Tired.
There is no thank you mom for filling out the forms. Just justification that he is tired and hungry. This morning I remind him to call his boss and he starts in again. He will call on Monday. He doesn’t want to work. I remind him that he is 18 in 2 weeks and he needs to start working and saving. Waaaa Waaaaa I’m tired, I have plans today, I don’t want….Waaaa Waaaaa.
So I told them all to clean the house and leave. Go do something today away from me. They started walking out the door without cleaning first so I said, “no clean, no dinner”. Now they are cleaning. I can’t stand the constantly having to hold things over their heads to get them to pick up after themselves.
So I want some light. That light at the end of the tunnel. Something to look forward to beyond all of the loud and the complaining and the lying. Something I can hold onto so I don’t burst into tears or anger. I’m so tired my bones hurt. I feel like I’m losing myself.
They could all do so much with their lives. They could be more, do more, have more. Tom and I constantly work to build them up, tell them they have greatness inside, that they can do so much with their future.
Then you have to step back and realize that it is their choice. Not ours. And that realization makes me tired on an even deeper level. Am I going through all of this for nothing? Did I bring chaos into my home only for the chaos and not to make a difference?
Yahweh is amazing and without Him I would truly be a basket case. My husband is a rock and for that I’m so grateful. We will get through all of this. I know. I trust. And we will stay on this hard road, no matter what. And leave the rest up to Yahweh. Thank you for listening, and praying for us. And praying that these teens will get it.