Please Stop & THINK – Teen Adoption!

Long overdue post.   

I have started to post so many times and stopped. I’m working very hard on myself and believe that what we spend time thinking about is what we bring about so to sit here and write about all of the drama is hard. I don’t want to re-live it and I don’t want that to be what I’m thinking about. And I hate putting all of the drama to words because somehow it makes it even more real. I want to forget all of it. For the first time in my life I have regrets and want a do-over. I have spent the last 6 months going from asking Yahweh “why me”, “why did you have us do this thing” to just realizing it is all just a part of His big plan and it is not up to me to question why. I’m just supposed to trust. That is not as easy to live as it is to write however. It is a daily battle with my mind to stay strong and live joyfully in spite of it all.

Someone told me last week that I have a moral obligation to write. That there are others who need to hear my story for their benefit. So for that reason I am writing today and I will be starting a book.

PTSD

Definition: Post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) is a mental health condition that’s triggered by a terrifying event — either experiencing it or witnessing it. Symptoms may include flashbacks, nightmares and severe anxiety, as well as uncontrollable thoughts about the event.

PTSD. Something soldiers in war suffer from. Not mom’s, not families. Right? Wrong. There are families all over this land living with PTSD – adoption related post traumatic stress.  Only worse.  Why worse?  Because the war is still being fought daily right there in the home.  We can’t get away from it.  We can’t leave it behind.  So we become anxious, angry, short-tempered, insomniacs waiting for the next thing to happen while we are sleeping so we can’t sleep, jumpy like when the salesman comes ringing the doorbell and knocks at the same time just like the police and you panic or you see a strange number pop up on your phone and your mind immediately goes to places you don’t want it to go.   You tell yourself to stay calm, that everything is going to be fine, but your body has lived in this place for so long that it has muscle memory.  That thing that kicks in and does things you don’t even think about.  Your heart beating so fast and you are fighting the tears because you know you are walking on eggshells.    And you just want normal again.

Then you realize you’re not the only one.  And suddenly the thing you thought couldn’t get any worse just has gotten so much worse that you don’t know how you are going to bear it.  You realize that it isn’t just you dealing with PTSD.  That your entire family is living the hell of it.  Worst of all your beautiful, wonderful teens who you would give your life for have the signs.  Hiding in bedrooms, thoughts of suicide, turning into people you don’t recognize, all in the attempts to cope with the evil that has descended into their home and life.  (I’ll get to that word evil in a bit).

You work terribly hard to bring some sense of normalcy into your home for their sake and it is impossible (not a word I say lightly because I believe that through Him ALL things are possible).  Impossible in this case because you have several persons in your home who work constantly and consistently to make life horrible for everyone.  It’s as if they have a plan to make the days as hard as they can.

You’ve tried ignoring it, and them, to no avail.  They will walk up and get right in your face with their belligerence. Demanding you do what they want you to do, or else.  They’ve learned that the police and courts will not hold them accountable so that gives them power over your family.  They come, they go at will.  Your home is not safe because they hang out with people you would never want anywhere near your home or family.  You are terrified that they will do something to your teens.  You talk constantly with Yahweh and beg for protection.  To just get through one more day without anything horrible happening.

One of them threw a chair at you in public and broke your leg.  Nothing happened and you were forced to take the abuser back into your home.  From that moment on that abuser and the others knew they could get away with just about anything in your home.  And you are told by CPS (Child Protective Services) that you better take good care of them or you would end up losing your biological teens and possibly face jail time.  WHAT KIND OF SYSTEM DOES THIS???

So from that moment on they make your life more of a living hell than ever before.

All this because we did the unthinkable.  We spent tens of thousands of dollars and several trips back and forth to Ukraine and many weeks in the country to give some teenagers aging out of the system a fresh start to a better life. That’s it.  That’s all.  We wanted to help.   That saying that “the road to hell is paved with good intentions” – ha!  I think it was first said by an adoptive parent of one of these teens.

I watch on my Facebook feed that many teens are coming to America at this time of year to be hosted.  The underlying message through it is these teens need a forever family.  STOP!!!  PLEASE STOP!!!  THINK long and hard if you are willing to turn your home into a war zone.  I’m not alone in this.  I’m on several Facebook secret groups filled with families working to recover from their adoption.  Many of them have stories much worse than mine.  Divorces, children taken away, families destroyed,homes burned down, parents in jail and biological children put into foster care and none of it actually served the teens they adopted.  NO ONE WINS.

Well, except one person.  Here I will talk about the evil again.  Many of you may disagree with me and that’s fine.  Until you have lived in my home with these teens you can think however you like.  I’ve seen the evil.   There has been an evil presence in my home for far too long.  Invited in by teens who have given their lives over to the dark side.  Who are immersed and love evil things.  They are drawn to it.   The enemy of Yahweh wants this adoption thing to continue on. He loves watching families break apart, biological children abused by adoptive teens, parents in jail from false accusations and families living with A-PTSD.  He is destruction and he causes destruction wherever he goes.  He has found a way to destroy and even better, it is all done in the Name of Yahweh.  We are doing it for God!

UGH!  Let me say this please.  Yahweh does not want our families destroyed trying to help an orphaned teen.  Not when there are many, many ways we can help them that doesn’t include bringing them into our homes and families.  How does that serve Him? In our case we have two devastated teens that we are working to help recover.  Three of our four adopted teens are gone. One back to Ukraine to live with his alcoholic biological father, one living on his own working a questionable (illegal) job that will most likely end him up in jail before too long and the last living with a man (third one in less than one year) that is much older than she is and spending her days watching porn on the phone he bought her. The one remaining at home seems to have good times and bad times.  We are praying that he will end up OK but so much of it is out of our control. He has to choose right from wrong and he loves wrong.  He seems drawn to it like a moth to a light.  We will see.  We will pray.

Please, please, if you are contemplating adoption think long and hard.  Is there another way to help this teen in country? Another devastated mom just joined our Facebook group and it is a name I recognize.  I was the one who posted the picture of the boy she adopted.  I advocated.  A word I used to like to use for myself.  I was an advocate for these teens. Now a word that makes me wince.  Now it makes me sick to think I had something to do with the things that are happening within their family.  There is another family who is fighting for survival because of the boy I advocated for several years ago.  They are so deeply in debt from court expenses that it will most likely take many, many years for them to recover and that is just the financial aspect.  Who knows how long for their mental health.  And those are just two.  I try not to think about them too much or I can’t function.  I just want to sit and cry.  Cry for what was and what could have been.  For them and for us.

So please THINK long and hard.  It’s a decision not easily gone back on.  There are countless families right now working to find another family for their adopted teen.  Re-homing, re-adoption.  They are desperate.  STOP before it’s too late.

Thank you for reading and sharing.  Someone needs to read this today!

Remember, this is Simply My Opinion.   Kathe

 

This entry was posted in Family, Teenagers, Ukraine Adoption. Bookmark the permalink.

4 Responses to Please Stop & THINK – Teen Adoption!

  1. Diana Steketee says:

    These teens have very, very severe mental health issues caused by not having had a healthy attachment as an infant/young child. You can love them all you want but they can’t take it in. When they get this old, a family setting is not a good placement for them for the very reasons you describe. Even young children who have attachment disorders can destroy a family without proper treatment. Unfortunately, not a lot of people understand attachment problems and how a lack of attachment can destroy a life and begin a ripple effect through generations and through other people they touch. Helping someone with an attachment disorder when they are older requires specific training and should not be foisted upon an innocent family who is led to believe that love will heal these children. Love will heal these children–but not the love of people who have no way to protect themselves and their children from the ripples of destruction that surround attachment disordered teens. Attachment disorders can be healed but it is wrong that people do not disclose the whole truth about the damages done to these teens. I’m so sorry that many loving, well-meaning families have suffered because they were not given proper information about how very damaged these kids are.

  2. Thanks for being honest, you shared truths that are seldom spoken, and when they are it is usually because a family is in crisis.

  3. Mary Kellogg says:

    It’s not just teens. Younger children can cause the same trip through hell on earth. And agencies do not/ will not disclose the problems even if they are aware of them.
    Few therapists are able to diagnose RAD- and if they do, have no idea how to help.

    Most therapists blame the adoptive parents.

  4. Candylou says:

    Oh my this is eerily true. And please also beware….these kids aren’t just put up for adoption internationally or even through the foster care system. They are lost in programs like the Fresh Air Fund (they will tell you the child is “delightful” when in fact they have RAD, ODD or are just plain scary). They are in community centers, schools, everywhere. I have tried to help myself and I have a few who are wreaking total havoc on my life right now. I am running as fast as I can. There is NO AMOUNT of personal or commercial liability insurance, lawyers, support networks, etc that can allow you to sleep at night with these kids in your home. None.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *