I don’t know my life anymore. I struggle to find the positive, happy person that used to live in my body. I actually work hard at it. I read positive books. I read my Bible. I fill my head with good music and good stuff. I consciously think about what I’m thinking about. When I feel myself sliding into the abyss I know it and I make the effort to stop it.
Every day my heart is heavy. I want to cry but don’t allow it. I wonder if others feel the same way. Let me attempt to lay it all out there.
You are called for a purpose. Of that you have no doubt. Hosea 14:3 In you the orphan finds mercy. That is one of hundreds of passages that tells us to take care of the orphan. Then Yahweh drops one right in your lap. And gives you a clear message about him. So you obey. And your world turns upside down. A continual 2 steps forward, 1 step back. Just when you think things are settling down the next thing happens.
Then He tells you to do it again. So you do. And you meet a boy that you didn’t even know existed and have to make a decision in 5 minutes if he will be your son. You know nothing of him except what he tells you. Months later you find out it was all a lie. You ask yourself, “Did I misunderstand the message from Yahweh?” “What have I done?” “How much more of this can I take”? And, “I want my home and life back”.
All sorts of thoughts come into your head. Only 4 more months until he turns 18. Maybe he needs to go back to Ukraine. Ugh! Death sentence for sure. Not an option. How can I keep a liar and a thief in my home?
After the last go-round we confronted him about the money in his wallet. He said he earned it shoveling snow. Now we are not parents who just fell of the turnip truck. That is too bad for him. Just because you say something doesn’t mean we believe you, especially when we already know you’re lying. But how to prove it. HA! My husband is brilliant. He first takes boy #1 out driving around the neighborhood. This boy made $52 shoveling and knows exactly which houses he did. Then he takes boy #2 and that boy did one house on his own and the other with boy #1. He takes Tom and shows him. Then he takes boy #3. He says he made $71 doing 5 houses. There are several issues with this.
1. Boy #1 won’t go with boy #3 because boy #3 won’t go up to any doors to ask to shovel. He is too shy.
2. Boy #3 speaks almost no English to even be able to ask.
3. Second reason boy #1 won’t go with boy #3 is that boy #3 is lazy and wants to earn the money but not do the work.
4. Boy #3 says he made more money than boys #1 & #2 in a shorter amount of time.
5. The first time boy #3 was asked about making money he said $5, not $71. It changed after the money came up missing.
So boy #3 shows Tom a house that he did. Hmmmm…..snow was obviously removed using a snow blower not a shovel. Shows Tom another house, same thing. Shows Tom a third house, same house that boy #1 & #2 say they did together. Shows a fourth house. Was shoveled using a snow shovel so Tom talks with the home owner. Man was very nice but says no, he shoveled the snow himself. In fact, saw two boys walk by with shovels and would have paid them had they stopped to help.
So obviously boy #3 lied. When confronted he just kept silent. He refused to answer any questions at all.
So what to do? He needs to be punished but how do you punish someone who has no remorse. None. He still denies it. He denies lying. He just clams up and won’t talk.
And this morning was the icing on the cake. Boy #3 asked about a job. HA! How in the world can I allow him to get a job when he is like this? Then boy #1 pipes up and asks why are you always blaming boy #3? Really? This is the same boy #3 who stole money from boy #1. Boy #1 says he doesn’t care, they are Ukrainians and they stick together. When I replied that not all Ukrainians appreciate people who lie and steal boy #1 then pulled the orphan card. Not all Ukrainians are orphans. Nice!
I get it, I really do. But being an orphan does not give someone the right to lie and steal.
I simply said, “you can let your past define your future or make a better one – your choice. There are many, many people in the world who grow up in bad situations. Some choose to make a better life. Some choose to stay the same. All of us have the same choice to make.”
Then they all slammed out the door.
So I sit here this morning. Spending time to get my head back on straight. Positive, happy, ready to take on the world. I have that same choice to make you see. I can either allow circumstances to hold me down or lift me up. I choose to stay positive. And not allow their actions and words to determine my day.
My heart is hurting. Badly. The problem with that is that there are other orphans out there that need my help. They need me to advocate for them. To help them find families. I don’t want to do that. I really don’t. How can I put something like this on someone else? What if a child I advocate for does this? THEN I GET IT! Oh WOW! The devil is right here. I see the true picture of what is happening now.
Here I am. A woman with a heart and a mission for teen orphans. I’m passionate to help teen orphans find families. How better to take me out of the game then get me so bogged down I can’t, or won’t, help anymore. Break my heart. Epiphany. So the enemy throws a little curve ball at us. In the form of one of these orphans. I see it all clearly now. This path, the narrow one, the one that is hard, also has its share of stumbling blocks. Boy #3 is one of those blocks. If the enemy can use him to stop me from advocating then he has won. And he’s done a pretty good job of that over the last several months. I see that now. First with Anna and all those shenanigans and now this.
Not only have I allowed him to stop me from advocating so the orphans have lost but I’m losing, too. I’m losing because I’m not being obedient to Yahweh. It’s a double-win for the enemy.
Fool me once, shame on you. Food me twice, shame on me. Now that I realize the truth of it all I realize that I can overcome this. For he can do nothing against Yahweh. So I call on the Holy Name of Yahweh to come to our aid. To give us knowledge and discernment and wisdom and protection. I trust Him in all things. He will right this wrong and help us through it. And I will continue to advocate. I will not give in to the schemes of the enemy.
Yahweh put us on this path and we will walk it out. With joy. And trust in Him!