I’m hitting a nerve with some people. Excellent. Means what I’m saying just might be making a difference. There are some who are downright mad and have told me in no uncertain terms to take down my offensive post. Seems most of those are from those entrenched in the adoption and hosting communities. May I suggest they have a vested interest in keeping things the way they are??? To those I just dig into my Bible and get my strength from Jeremiah and others who told the truth to people who didn’t want to hear it and paid the price. Getting nasty messages on FB is no big deal compared to what happened to them.
Others are from those who may have misunderstood a few things I said yesterday. Seems that some people don’t get my way of talking and took a few things I said beyond my meaning. Hopefully I will be able to clarify today.
First and foremost. I am not angry at Yahweh. He is my rock, my salvation and how I get through every minute of every day. He is my everything. Through this entire grueling time I have never once blamed Him or been angry at Him. My faith is strong and I trust Him no matter what is going on in my life. I understand my mission and my purpose in all of this. I am deeply sorry to Him if anything I said made it seem otherwise.
When I spoke yesterday about luck I didn’t mean the normal go to Las Vegas and gamble kind of luck. I just meant that no matter what you see in a child over there, you have no idea what you are going to have when you get home. There is no rhyme nor reason in which child/teen is OK and which is not. That is all I meant by luck. We are not mind readers and as far as I know crystal balls only work in fairy tales. I received a message from a mom yesterday who said her AD (adopted daughter) was fine for several years after bringing her home and all of a sudden a few months ago turned into a raging terror. Ticking time bombs.
Let me be clear that this is not just about me and my situation. Since I started blogging about this a few months ago I have received many hundreds of messages with stories just like, or in many cases, even worse than mine. My blog posts have been shared thousands of times by people wanting others to understand their situation. I write for them. The ones who cannot write, who cannot speak the truth of their situations. I am absolutely sure that Yahweh brought us to this thing because He knew I would not keep silent. While many suffer I will be their voice. He and I have a thing. He puts me in the fire and I’ll tell the world about it. I think often of Ezekiel. He was told by Yahweh to do a thing. Yahweh said if you do this thing their blood will be on their heads if they don’t do it. However, if you fail to do this thing, their blood will be on your head. This is what keeps me writing in the face of the backlash. For Yahweh and for those who are unable to tell their story.
My anger is at the process, the way things are currently being done. This process that sets up families for disaster and then does nothing to help them get through it. My mission is to change the process. To put more safeguards in place for families. To have more disclosure and truth. To stop the lies being told by people in authority in these countries in order to make money.
You have families who are willing to take a stranger into their family, their home. They pay thousands of dollars to make it happen and spend weeks, sometimes months, in a foreign country. All in the name of following Yahweh’s will, or doing the right thing, or rescuing an orphan, or whatever name someone wants to put on it. Then they find themselves in the middle of a war zone in their own home. Their home life is devastated, their other children in harms way and unspeakable things are happening. And there is no one there to help. The people who made money to make this happen are not there. The countries who approved the adoption are not there. Families are alone.
I got taken to task by a few people yesterday who thought I set Anna up with my conversation yesterday. Seems they thought all I did was point out all of her transgressions. Let me be clear. This girl is 17+ and knows exactly what she is doing. She is determined to get what she wants at all costs. We have been through this scenario with her more times than I can count. It’s a pattern. She uses her behaviors like a palette. Going from one to another to see what is going to work. What I did yesterday was bring the truth out without going through several other stages first. It’s exhausting going through them all.
And no one in this house hates her. This has been made clear to her. We hate the behavior, not the person. We live for Yahweh in this home. Her behavior is her choice. She knows exactly what she is doing and she is extremely manipulative. I simply won’t allow it anymore. Our boundaries are set and they are strong. And for those who wrote me that Yahweh is all about love and forgiveness have you read the Bible? Seriously! Yahweh is obeying His commands, judgement and truth. Acts 5 with Ananias and Sapphira is just one example. The entire tribe of Israel is still in captivity 3,000 years later because of his boundaries. They would not stop doing the things He hated. He teaches us boundaries. And I made it clear to her yesterday that should she turn her life around she could still have an amazing future but it is up to her.
Last night she did not come home. In the past I have gone looking for her, driving all over all night long. Staying up and then telling her when she did come home how worried we all were. She has seen me cry over it many times. Now she uses that against me. It’s her sword to my heart. All I’ve done now is make a decision to not let it get to me anymore. It’s her decision. She has a nice warm bed, a room to herself, plenty of food whenever she wants it. If she chooses not to come home that’s on her.
She found some place, most likely some strange man from the internet who was told that her parents kicked her out, drink all of the time and beat her and abuse her and he felt sorry for her and picked her up. How many times has this happened? Countless. Now we wait to see if CPS contacts us about it. We’ve talked with some of these men after they get tired of her shenanigans. Funny (not) that they find out in short order that she is the same with them as with us. Ask her to pick up a few things around the house, or clean something and rather than do that she leaves. One of them told us that he told her she did not have to get a job and all she had to do was pick up a bit and stay off porn sites on the internet. She got mad at him and stormed out, going to to the next guy.
I’ve gotten her two jobs. One bringing in grocery carts at a store and one working for a cleaning service. She refused to work and lost both of them. She wants a life of sitting around talking to strange men around the world on the internet. We wanted more than that for her, for all of them. She threw it away.
She refuses counseling. We can’t force her to go. To her we are the problem and she is fine. So we are staring at a wall. Unless someone admits they need help there is nothing that can be done.
I want all of this to change. My hope is that enough people will read this and it will cause a change in how adoptions are handled. This needs to be two-fold. One in country with these children/teens. More investigation into their physical, mental and emotional state must be done so that parents get full disclosure before agreeing to the adoption. That people think more and have less emotion. And second that should a disaster adoption take place that there are safeguards in place for the family. Maybe a probation period where the adoption can be annulled. And safeguards to protect the family from false accusations. This is what gets me the most. Good families torn apart by the authorities on the basis of lies from an adopted child/teen who lives to tell lies and cause drama. Just this morning two parents have been taken to jail and all of their biological children taken to family services. From lies told by an adopted teen. Sickening. When is enough, enough?
Lastly, change is hard most of the time. Most times big changes only happen with a lot of blood, sweat and tears. This is an entire industry, fed by well-meaning people so it’s going to take a lot. Together, we can make a difference. Please re-post my blog. Thank you!
Hopefully that clears a few things up. Feel free to FB message me, comment on a FB post or leave a comment here on the blog. I will answer.
I don’t believe that adopting a child when they are older is really a good idea. They have already been shaped and formed into who they will be. You can’t erase their bad experiences or wrong learning.
I find it absolutely ridiculous that parents are put in jail and children taken, basically to jail as well, all because they tried to help an orphan while spending thousands of dollars and time and anguish. This cannot be God’s plan.
I agree with you Sabrina. No way is this Yahweh’s plan. He is all about family. This is tearing families apart. Thank you for commenting.
Kathe, I applaud you for listening to your calling and taking this on. My story is not about international adoption but local NC foster system involving a teen sibbling group. I have 2 bio kids. The behaviors were the same, the family destruction, CPS visits, the fear of my family being destroyed, loosing my bio kids to CPS, all of it. We had no help. No place to turn to. Once these kids were legally adopted, we were on our own but under the watchful eye of CPS. We begged for help. It isnt there. The foster system lied to us about their history, behaviors. We trusted them and we were betrayed. The adoption system is completely flawed And dangerous. International as well as local.
My wife, Kathy, just sent me this blog. I was blown away by your observations. We, too, have a nearly 17 yr old from Ukraine who we adopted 2 3/4 yrs ago. We are struggling…mostly she is struggling. The only nonparallel between the girls is that our daughter, same name, isn’t seeking comfort from men. She isn’t sneeking out. But lazy…ooh! Manipulation, disrespect, social disengagement, and no desire for self improvement. If one of our sons had given the same lip to their mom at the same age, they would find themselves on the floor wondering what just hit them. But then, respect was taught during their infancy. Two weeks ago I told her that this cannot continue. That next January, when she turns 18, she will either have done an about face or she will be living somewhere else. Crying, she said “So you will make me homeless?” I replied “No, I will give you a ride to a shelter and they will provide a bed and meals. And I will give them good money so that they can provide this same service for many girls just like you. The one thing that is certain, you cannot continue to live here and disrespect mom.” The result is that she has tripled her efforts of being disrespectful toward mom. We have been married for 35 yrs, raised 3 bio’s and two adopted. My only disagreement with what you have said is that I do not find fault in the adoption system. Certainly, hosting programs are all corrupt, child selling, money making ventures (as opposed to orphan care providers). Hearding abandoned children like cattle, raising them in poverty and giving them a poor education, is closer to the problem. My friends who do genuine orphan care in Ukraine have enlightened me on the chances of success with girls. They said that girls reach a certain stage (usually between 11 and 14 years old) when they become corrupted. Once this happens, they become unreachable.