I haven’t written here in months. I’ve spent the past 6 weeks formulating this one post you are about to read. I’ve prayed constantly on it. Asked for wisdom and guidance in putting down the words. I’ve cried, am crying now as I write. I’ve debated back and forth in my mind on actually publishing it.
A call from another adoptive mom yesterday was the final straw. Enough. Someone has to stand up and say something. Families are being destroyed in the name of rescuing, redeeming, saving, adopting (whatever word you want to use) orphans. I can’t sit here and say nothing. Ezekiel 33 has a passage that basically states if you know a thing and don’t say anything the blood is on you. If you tell, and someone still decides, then the blood is on them. This is my Ezekiel moment. I must say something.
Is this what Yahweh truly wants from us? I’ve read His Word through and through and through. To Him family is important. After trusting and obeying Him it is right there. And yes, taking care of the widows and orphans. HOW we take care of them is the heart of the matter. Does it say anywhere to adopt them into our homes, into our families? Nope. It says to take care of them. Make sure they have food, shelter and someone to care for them. It does not tell us to bring them into our homes and destroy the family that put everything on the line for them.
For those of you who have followed my writings on my private FB page you know we’ve been to hell and back over the last 3 years. That is nothing compared to the emails, private messages and phone calls I’ve received. Every time I write someone else reaches out to tell their story or ask my advice on how they can put their family back together, how they can reverse time and never adopt the teen that has been terrorizing their family.
Yes, terrorizing. Keeping all sharp objects locked up. Imagine a home kitchen without any sharp utensils??? Imagine locking refrigerators and bedroom doors. Imagine smoke alarms going off at 4 am because your adopted teen lit a fire to try and burn down your home with all of you in it. Imagine CPS showing up at your door because your adopted teen told someone in authority that you are abusing him/her in any number of ways – very creative ways. Imagine the police coming to your home 3, 4 and 5 times a week because your adopted teen is either threatening to kill you or one of your bio children. Imagine getting calls from the school that your adopted teen is telling everyone you never feed them and hit them all of the time. Another visit from CPS. Pretty soon people are believing them because a lie told enough times becomes the truth to most people.
The nice life you’ve built and decided to share with an orphan has now descended into some type of hell and you have no idea how to get out of the nightmare. People look at you with scorn in their eyes. Of course, they can do better than you. When your 16 year old daughter runs away and you don’t hear from her for almost 2 weeks then you get a call from a strange man who says she is living with him and his wife and she is not coming back to you because of all the abuse and they’ve called CPS on you for the drinking and physical abuse and how dare you. She will stay with them and they will take care of her like you couldn’t. When you tell them she has RAD (Reactive Attachment Disorder) and what that means and they don’t believe you. Then they wash their hands of her when she does the same thing to them a few weeks later. Then the same daughter throws a screaming fit in a cafe and attacks you, bruising your arms and then she throws a chair at you, fracturing a bone in your leg, and still someone steps in and says, I can do a better job parenting her than you and once again she is gone.
You live on pins and needles. The once loving, giving and open arms person you were is long gone. You trust no one and you don’t sleep. Another knowing adoptive parent tells you that you have PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder) from all the trauma. Oh well. Nothing you can do. They live in your house. You can’t avoid them. So one is gone. Forever? You hope so. You really do. And if you really voiced that you know the backlash will be strong. How dare you? I dare. Someone has to say it. I’m relieved beyond words that she is gone.
Someone quoted the prodigal son at me. I responded that the prodigal son came back with true repentance. And he turned from his evil ways. These teens think they have done nothing wrong and are arrogant, abusive and entitled – yes, entitled. The world owes them, you owe them and they should have to do nothing to get everything they want.
Seriously people I am so angry. When we searched out adoption we heard NONE of this. There are some SECRET groups on FB for parents desperately trying to find a solution to this but none of it is out in the open. No one talks about it. So more unsuspecting people travel every day to a country across the world and bring home a nightmare into their lives. It’s time for this to be out there where people can at least make an informed decision. Do more investigation into these teens/children they are thinking of bringing home. Is there RAD? What other psychological issues does the teen/child have? AND just know that they can seem perfectly amazing in Ukraine, ours did. We had no clue.
They don’t know how to live in a family. They’ve lived in orphanages with caretakers. Bringing them to a family they don’t understand what that means. To them you are simply caretakers. Caretakers who they steal from and lie to and sneak out on. And when you treat them like one of your teens/children they rebel but not in the way a bio teen/child would, they do something destructive to get back at you. A tit for tat. They have zero respect for any authority at all. And they are mean. So mean.
I’ve talked with parents who have been parents for a long, long time with large families. Parents who have degrees in counseling. Parents who have dealt with issues in their bio teens/children. These parents have contacted me to say that even they cannot handle this in their own home. They are AFRAID. Afraid for their lives and the lives of their family.
AND you know the worst part? That in many cases their extended family and church do not stand behind them. Platitudes like “just give it more time”, “this is what God wants you do to so you have to stick with it”, and “have you tried (fill in the blank)” as if we haven’t already tried that and hundreds of other things.
We adopted four teens from Ukraine. One has hope for the future. 1/4. Honestly it’s the first time in my 57 years that if I had it do over again I wouldn’t. The toll it has taken on our family is huge. And it truly did not serve those teens. There has got to be a better way. Tom and I will find a better way for families to help orphans in the future without bringing them here and wrecking havoc in families.
I think of the $100,000 we spent and know without a shadow of doubt that money could have helped many, many more teens right there in Ukraine. Helped set them up in apartments and paid for schooling. And they would have stayed in their country, their culture with their language. In many cases I think bringing them here does something to them that is so overwhelming that their heads just explode. Keeping them in Ukraine will serve them better and we are still doing what we’re supposed to be doing.
So that is our mission for the future. I don’t know the how yet but when I do you’ll be the first to know. In the meantime, please share this post with anyone you know who is thinking about adopting.
Of course, they will probably be like most and say, well I’m a better person than they are and I can handle it. Good luck with that.
Lastly, I know there are success stories. One of ours is a success. He is doing great in school and has bonded into the family. There are others out there I’m sure. But there are too many of the destroyers, in our case 3 out of 4, that should not have been adopted. If you have a success story I’m so happy for you. And thankful that you don’t have to live in the hell of our home. The best thing you can do is to be thankful and to pray for those of us who are in the trenches. Thank you.
Kathy and Tom
My heart goes out to you. Please tell me what I can do to help you
Debi
Debi just share with everyone you know. I am gathering information on specific organizations within Ukraine that help aging out teens and will post once I’ve vetted them. Thank you! Love you!
You know I would be more that willing to help with that.
We adopted an aging out daughter. It has been a nightmare to say the least. Know you are not alone.
Thanks for your brave article Kathe. Even though our adoption of three girls fifteen years ago has turned out great, I know many who have had difficulties like yours. We work with teens who have aged-out of orphanages in Ukraine. We have transition homes. Although we’ve been blessed to see many successes, there are many kids who cannot adapt to living in a family. It’s not for everyone. Some kids have been through too much. But for the kids that do adapt, it is a life-changer.
My heart goes out to you. We have some dear friends who also went through this hell several years ago. Much of the same things you’re saying. They were never told. They were basically lied to about the kids they adopted and it was terrible. There’s were from Liberia if I remember correctly. Yes, the stories need to be told. I shared your post on my Fb and I know others of my friends are also.
Blessings,
Vicki
My heart goes out to you. RAD is a terrible, terrible thing. It happens in domestic adoptions too! Foster care is not much better than orphanages, when kids are shuffled around as much as they are. We adopted two boys from the foster system a couple of years ago and it tore our family apart too. I, like you, have been blogging about it as well to try to help raise awareness. I thought we were doing the “right” thing by adopting children that had been in the system for ages and seemed to need “rescue” but it wasn’t good for anyone in the equation. So heartbreaking when this happens to people who just want to do good in the world! I hope you are all able to find healing and peace.
Thanks for sharing this! I’ve had my own share of terrible situations with my 2 kids that were adopted from Russia. My heart and prayers go out to you and anyone else in this tragic situation.
Sherry
Thank you so much for sharing this. For putting into words what so many of us want to say but know no one will understand. We did a domestic adoption from the foster system… we have had the same experience. All of the families that adopted children from this sibling pair have gone through unbelievable traumatic situations that have altered all of our families forever. We did a sibling pair. Our first traumatized us greatly….. his sibling is now upping the ante and we aren’t sure how we are going to survive it. Thank you for your words of truth.
Dear Kathe,
Your transparency and boldness in exposing the truth hits the mark! Thank you for being real. I have passed “through” a similar hell and because of the truth, Jesus Christ, who sets me free, my other adopted child and I made it out on the other side. Now, I am determined to use this experience of hell on earth to further advance God’s Kingdom!!! May our Lord continue to use you as well!
Much love in Christ!
Kathe,
If you don’t mind, may we connect on facebook? If so, could you please email me your facebook name and I will friend request you as well as send you my facebook name.
Thank you!
https://www.facebook.com/kathe.ray.7
WELL SAID!!! We adopted a 15 year old boy from Ukraine over 3 years ago and even though we haven’t had some of the physical abuse, it has been hell. I was just thinking how the bible doesn’t say to adopt but to care for them. How can we do this. Also, there needs to be a place that they can return to in their home country that will help them.
Finally someone is speaking up! I was just saying one of these days I’m going on a campaign about this mess. People need to know the truth. And those telling the truth should be thanked not condemned and verbally beat up! It’s not right to continue to allow families to suffer and so continue to bring a lot of this into this country. I’m angry too and our share in this is small compared to what most go thru. But my once perfect, happy family is tainted by the junk these older kids have brought into our home and we are figuring out there is nothing you can do about it unless you want to use every last dime to place them somewhere else. I’m angry too. Thank you for writing this.
I’m so sorry Jenny. More of us have to speak up in spite of the backlash. At least if families know the risks and still adopt they have been told. They are aware and making an informed decision. We cannot keep making decisions like this based on emotion. And it starts with hosting. I know the hosting organizations have, for the most part, good intentions, but we all know the old saying. The road to hell is paved with them. And this truly is hell on earth with these teens. Something needs to be done and now the dialog is starting. I’m sending my blog to my congressmen and senators. I’m going to continually put it out there. Others need to do the same. Thank you for writing. Kathe
I’m so sorry the “church” has failed in supporting parents that have stepped up and adopted. This information is timely for me and an answer to prayer. I live in Cambodia, where outside adoption is not allowed. I’m praying for God to show me how to encourage and assist local Christian families to adopt within country. The world-wide church needs to step up and become involved, to honor God and His command, in however that looks for their lives, but we cannot continue to sit idle.
May God bless you by continually giving you His strength to persevere and reminders of His love for you.
Thank you for writing Judi. I am very happy that you are working to encourage adoptions within your own country. I truly believe that is the best option for orphans. To stay in their own country and culture, with their own language and with people who understand them. Even then some children/teens will not do well as they are so damaged and may do better with a group home type of situation after the orphanage. Please keep in touch and let me know how you are doing. Kathe
Honestly it can happen anywhere when Teens are adopted, including America. Most Teen adoptions go off without a hitch, but many completely and utterly fail. There has to be a better way to help these teens that they don’t want/need adoption. They need to stay where they are. Not every teen wants to be ‘saved’ or once to be a ‘church project’. They just want to get to be an adult without as little interference as possible from anyone as they trust NO ONE!
The problem is these teens all beg to be adopted. They say they want a family. They agree to family rules. They say and do all the right things. Then you get them here and all hell breaks loose and there is nothing you can do. And yes, I agree that it can and does happen anywhere but when you’re adopting from a foreign country you have a whole other set of circumstances. Language barrier, estranged family still in country and more. And you have a sense of entitlement that comes along with these orphans that no matter what you do for them it’s not enough. They want the TV family. And zero responsibility, in school or in the home. They lie, they steal and they will say anything to cause you, the evil parent, to get into trouble. And I don’t agree that MOST go off without a hitch. The fact that this post has been shared over 700 times in just over 24 hours and the hundreds of messages I’ve gotten tells a different story. Something needs to be done. Thank you for your comments.
And THIS. NOTHING is ever enough. Nothing is ever GOOD enough. One more year until he’s 18…
“And you have a sense of entitlement that comes along with these orphans that no matter what you do for them it’s not enough. They want the TV family. And zero responsibility, in school or in the home. They lie, they steal …”
OMG–THANK YOU. We are on the (hopefully) tailend of the legal mess the 2 Filipino pre-teens we adopted 8 years ago have plunged us into. And NO ONE tells you about this. After 8 years, the youngest (18) ran away, camped out in the woods for 6 days, then told law enforcement, CPS and anyone else who would listen that we abused him, only let him eat one meal a day, etc. His brother (19), the one we had in intensive therapy for RAD and ADD, who we had to send out of state to a school for troubled boys because he had been caught several times stealing electronics at school, jailed, violated probation– of course backed him up. So according to the DA, of course it MUST all be true. I was arrested, charged with felony child abuse, spent 8 hours handcuffed to a bar and then jailed overnight. We have spent upwards of $150,000 over the past 1 1/2 years dealing with this. The judge dismissed the case in the pre-trial hearing, but that didn’t keep the DA from pursuing me. 2 weeks before the statute of limitations was up, she charged me with assault. For what? We still don’t know. We were never told. But I plead no contest to get a diversion for 6 months after which all will be dismissed and expunged. Or it would be another $50,000 and a long, drawn-out trial. We would win, but as you can imagine, it’s exhausting. And the PTSD. Ugh. Our 3 older bio kids have been tremendous. But it did almost ruin our marriage. We finally disrupted the adoption–after EIGHT YEARS. We, too, had alarms on their doors, tight restrictions/rules, etc. But after finding possessions slashed and stabbed, pets killed, the lies, the manipulation, the cheating, the stealing, and then the culmination event, they were just too dangerous to have in our home anymore. I’m writing a book on this very topic–our story and how law enforcement can do anything they want to do with no evidence other than a child’s messed up word. It’s not a popular opinion, but I do NOT think teen international orphans should be adopted. As you stated, they are used to living with a lot of other kids in a very different community than a family. We were simply looked at as glorified houseparents. Too much is at risk. Too much.
Every time I think I’ve heard it all another story like yours comes to light. I’m just sick that families with hearts to help orphans are being treated like criminals. Thank you for posting. I’m so sorry. Kathe
This is such a powerful piece and I appreciate you sharing this. Very brave and definitely exposing yourself to the critique & ridicule of “well-meaning” but clueless people.
My question for you is, what would you have listened to before the adoptions? I’ve asked this of other adoptive parents who sought us out prior, ignored us & proceeded, and then experienced reality. Hindsight is always better of course.
We’ve adopted 4 boys, 2 internationally, 2 domestically. We’ve experienced everything you’ve written about with one of our boys (he was 10 when we adopted him).
People seek us out for adoption advice. They turn their heads away when we advise NOT to adopt a teenager. We get the platitudes from them. They assume they have “more love” or can “do better.”
I, all too often, see prospective adoptive parents say “I’m doing my research” and then completely dismiss my sought out input. We find that people caught up in the excitement of adopting, see and hear what they want to see and hear. They “say” they are open to advice, but in reality, they are not.
I don’t know. I hope that we would but like you said there is so much emotion attached to these teens. Aging out, being thrown out onto the streets. I have a friend who is adopting 3 teens right now. She refuses to listen to our wisdom and she has been following our story for more than a year. The problem is huge and I don’t know how to change things. The focus must be on keeping them safe in their own country and culture. Hindsight is always 20/20. We just had no idea how bad it could be. I just had someone call me and tell me she ended up in the hospital over the weekend. Her adopted daughter drugged her so bad that she had hallucinations and passed out. She, too, had no idea the extent of these issues. Thanks for commenting.
This is where the message will become powerful… having a way that “gets through” to prospective parents.
In our situation, our agency was FANTASTIC in preparing us. We were so overwhelmed that we had to fight through the “should we” and determine that yes, we should. However, we went into it very well prepared… having access to resources if needed… knowing at what points to get help, etc.
What is interesting, is that was our international agency and our international adoptions (10 years now) have been fabulous. However, one of our domestically adopted children (well he’s an adult now and no longer lives with us) is the one that nearly destroyed our family – and we are going through all of the things you mentioned, coming from other people.
But, because of our experience with our previous adoptions, we knew when we needed help, and sought it out immediately – LOTS of it. And then it came to a point that he couldn’t live in our house anymore (he was 15) and we found options for him.
All that to say, it’s not limited to international teen adoptions, by any means… and I pray there is some way your message will seep through to pre-adoptive parents.
Thank you Christina. I’m so glad you had resources. Thank you for sharing. Kathe
Our boy turned down adoption at 16 years old and is now on his 3rd year on his own in Ukraine. At the time, I never would have believed it would be possible for him to have a safe (let alone successful!) life in Ukraine. I’m blessed and humbled to say that he is doing well so far… with the care, support, and prayers we are able to provide from afar. It seems tough to say that God did not mean for him to be adopted, but after reading this, it really helps me to accept this as God’s plan for him.
If you are looking for Christian ministries in Ukraine that work with aged-out kids, I highly recommend this one! http://canadianresourcesformissions.com/
Thanks Jenelle! I love this success story!!! And that you for the resource. I’m collecting them. Kathe
For the past 8 years I have run a support group for moms who have adopted kids with Reactive attachment disorder, so most of our kids are from either Eastern Europe or Foster Care. Over the years, we have had over 200 moms in our group. Sadly, I would have to agree with your assessment, although I think the 1 in 4 success rate might be overly optimistic for this particular population. I started this group after my son, who was 9 at the time (and ruining our lives) spent 3 months with a therapeutic respite provider. He learned to attach and we learned to parent wounded kids. Life was much better, so I started a group to teach other moms how to be therapeutic parents. Many of our moms had a great deal of success until hormones hit and then much of our work was undone. Many moms don’t come to our group until their kids are teens/hormonal and then it is too late. If they aren’t attached before going into the teens, its too late as a teen’s job is to become independent. Families are too intimate and make them crazy and Families simply cannot provide enough structure for these kids to keep them safe (24 hour surveillance, meaningful consequences, etc.) In the end, a family is not a healing place for these kids and to make it worse, they spread their pathology to the rest of the family. And then as they age into adults, we are releasing very sick and scary people into society. Sad to say, but good group homes with experienced staff who are well supported in their work serve these kids better. As an aside, our group this year is focused on how we as moms find joy and sanity while living with really difficult teens and young adults. For the best book on dealing with these kids once they are in your home, I recommend Catherine Leslie’s Coming to Grips with Attachment.
Thank you Linda. I think our biggest problem is we didn’t bring them home until they were 16, 17 and by then it’s just too late because they don’t want help. They don’t think anything is wrong with them. 🙁 Thanks for the book suggestion. We are learning to live again. Kathe
Thanks for this comment!
I believe this is the best descriptor of what we are dealing with. Ours was 11 when he came from the orphanage. His behaviors were such that nobody wanted to be around him after the first 6 months here — hard to attach at all when you’re so annoying that even your 3-years-junior brother doesn’t want to hang out with you. Six years down the road, it’s worse because of hormones. We are so thankful to God that he isn’t violent! We constantly are trying to count our blessings. At the same time, we can’t wait for him to be 18 and have different options — outside our home.
“If they aren’t attached before going into the teens, its too late as a teen’s job is to become independent. Families are too intimate and make them crazy and Families simply cannot provide enough structure for these kids to keep them safe (24 hour surveillance, meaningful consequences, etc.) In the end, a family is not a healing place for these kids …”
Thanks for sharing this. While I am blessed by two daughters adopted from Ukraine that are absolutely wonderful, most people don’t seem to share in our luck.
There are so many ways that these teenage orphans overseas can be helped without adoption. Our girls were 7 and 9 when we adopted them and it was complete drama with multiple half-siblings (un-adobtable) left behind, birth mom still around and clueless about why she lost her six kids, and a sick grandmother that would have taken them in if she was able.
It has been almost five years since we adopted our girls. A couple of years ago we brought our girls’ half sister over here on a school visa with the intent of her staying until she finished high school. She was 16 at the time. Even though she is a great girl and even though we already considered her part of family, and even though we had adopted her sisters, she just wasn’t happy here and she ended up going back to Ukraine after only a year. There weren’t any big issues or anything, we love her dearly, Skype with her weekly, but the U.S. just wasn’t where she needed to be. She wasn’t happy. We weren’t happy. A legal tie to America (adoption) where she HAD to stay until she was 18 would have been toxic. We have found that we truly can help her more in Ukraine. It is SO EASY to support her in Ukraine. She is now in college at a good university and we are fully supporting her education at a total cost (room, board, books, tuition) for $200 a month! Compare that to an adoption! Likewise, we are able to fully support our girls’ grandmother who can no longer work due to her health (and of course the lack of jobs in Ukraine) for only $100 a month! Just think of the number of people one could help for the cost of an adoption!
As I look back on all of the kids that were hosted at the same time as we hosted our girls there is almost a clear divide between the kids that are doing great and the ones that are not. Age is that division. The teenagers that stayed in Ukraine (or moved back to Ukraine after turning 18) seem to be doing just as good or better as those that came here. Five years ago, it hurt to see some of the teenage girls that were hosted refuse adoption. I think they ended up being the smart ones. It amazes me how many of the teenage girls that were in the orphanage with my girls are now on Facebook, attending school, working at jobs, getting married, living life. They aren’t dead and I am pretty sure they aren’t hookers.
Having said that, I am by no means against adoption. My girls are AMAZING! I just wish the dark side of adoption and the alternatives to adoption were made more public. We can do better.
Loren, We are very interested in speaking with you regarding how you are supporting others in Ukraine. We have an adopted boy with a grandmother living in Kiev that we would LOVE to be able to help support. Would you please send me a friend request on Facebook?
Hello NJ,
I just sent a FB friend to NJ Rush. Hope that is the right one!
So very yes. So very glad to have found answers to our own nightmare.
My heart goes out to every family suffering after adoption. I feel passionately as well that many, many orphans would be better served with support in their own country. International adoption is incredibly traumatic and is always layered upon existing trauma. We have two adopted children from Ukraine. The younger (adopted at age almost-9) is doing well (he’s got a long way to go but he’s smart and is a genuinely optimistic kid) but the other (adopted at age 11 & already in puberty) has a low IQ, tons of trauma and just isn’t able to adjust. She isn’t violent and is mostly compliant with rules, but I know, know, know that she would have done better with the right support in Ukraine where she could stay connect to her bio family and all that was familiar to her. Of course, now she doesn’t even speak the language anymore.
I am a crusader for families to be better informed and I strongly advocate for prhoans to stay within their country of origin.
Kathe & others, you’re in my prayers for safety, a favorable outcome, and healing.
Kathe,
THANK YOU for having the courage to write this. I have lived this with two adoptive teen boys of my own, and hear your heart. I have given up trying to explain myself to others, and just accept the contempt from those that have no idea what they are talking about. I too am glad to have both boys out of my house. Now I get to deflect the “why can’t they come home for the holidays?” questions and feel the weight of it all again. I don’t feel like a better person for all of this, but I certainly don’t value the opinions of others like I used to and it has solidified my support of groups that are in country.
One you should consider is Engraved.org. I know the founder, Lisa Bonds, personally and know her organization is solid and trustworthy. She has two boys of her own from Ukraine and has lived the RAD life. God placed on her heart to set up transition houses in-country and has blessed her efforts.
Praying for your family…and all adoptive families…all the time.
Well said and so full of truth! Our story exactly! There has to be something done!!!
A friend shared your page with me. I understand completely. We adopted a teen from Russia 3 years ago, he will be 18 in #50days , but who’s counting? I’ve been sharing about our crap for over a year and started much like you, I couldn’t take it anymore. I had to let people know the utter HELL we are living in. The response and support has been uplifting and made us feel less alone. I can’t support teen adoption any longer. Hold close to the people who TRULY understand and support your family. They are precious.
Awesome post, God bless you for sharing your heart. I know the path you have walked because we walked it to, although our son was a toddler when he came into our home and was readopted before we hit the teen years. Our family is still recovering from the damage he caused. Hugs and thanks again for writing this post!