Enough is Enough – Teen Adoption

Just ended a phone conversation with another adoptive mama.  They’ve been through the ringer.  Arson, drugs, lying to CPS about them, court, psychiatrists and counselors, did I say lying?  This morning I had a long conversation with Anna.  The first since she came back into our lives in mid-October.  The past few days she has been walking around here as if she is the injured party and I wanted to see just where she was coming from.

Going through the past 18 months beginning in Ukraine at the orphanage where she and Daniel told their first lie, then to the court where they lied again we collected a list of lies, thievery, police investigations on us due to false allegations, running away more times than can be counted, court proceedings, bodily harm (my broken leg and her being charged with domestic abuse), CPS involvement in our family (3 times) due to false allegations, false allegations made to other people including the high school and more.   For those who have been following us you know.

I told her that Daniel had admitted to me that all 4 of them had stolen from me and that he admitted to stealing at least $400 from me plus all of the stuff they had stolen from stores in our town.

At the end of it she just looked at me with anger and walked out.  Zero remorse.  She is angry because I’m not all lovey-dovey with her.  She is angry because we know the truth about her.  Because her life is not what she intended.  Because she is not getting what she wants.

My friend is in the same boat.  She has an adopted teen who lives in their home who is bent on destroying their family.  Yes, that’s what I said.  How can I say that?  Because that is exactly what that teen has told them many times and is walking the walk.  Same here.  Same in hundreds of other homes in America.  Last week I got off an hour long conversation with another mom who is looking at jail time because her adopted daughter lied to the police about her.  Said she was kept locked up in her bedroom except for meal times.  That she had to use a bucket for a toilet.  Funny thing is no one is taking into consideration there is and never has been a lock on the bedroom door.  Everyone wants to believe the sobbing teen who is so good at acting the part of the abused when she is the abuser.    Or the mom who spent 3 days in the hospital and it was found out that she was hallucinating because her adopted teen bought drugs from a friend and was spiking her diet coke.   Nothing done to the teen when found out.  So she is free to keep torturing the family.  Or the family that is torn apart.  The mother and father at home with the adopted teen while the bio kids are in foster care – for their protection from the adopted teen who was sexually abusing them.

THIS SYSTEM IS WRECKED!

From the beginning looking at sweet faces on Facebook with captions such as “loves school and sports” or “wants to go to school so badly” or “only wants one thing and that’s a family”.  It puts the heart in the middle and all thinking goes out.  Then enter the organizations that drive the adoptions.  The money behind it all.  From the hosting organizations to the adoption agencies to the in country agencies and facilitators it is all based on how much.  How much can we charge and get away with it.  We have a smiling kid here, how much do you think we can get for him/her?  All in the name of Yahweh, all in the name of doing something good, something godly, something for the Kingdom.  Let’s play on these emotions.  And so many lies…..  OH MY WORD!!!

Lies from the teens who are taught to lie, taught what to say.  Taught to lie by their culture, their orphanage, their friends there and even adults they know there.  Caretakers, directors, social workers, and even clergy.  Lies on documents, documents changed and forged.  Lies about biological families.  Stemming from the old communistic society where people had to lie just to get by.  It’s pervasive and they don’t think anything of doing it, even though that society supposedly died in 1991.

Then the system here in America continues to let these amazing families down.  The families on the front line.  The ones who went into debt, or used their life savings, or held fundraisers.  Because once these little charmers come “home” they turn from those sweet teens into terrors.

Now I will be the first to say there are some good adoptions.  We have one of those.  One out of four.  Hopefully, if you are an adoptive parent you have one of those, too.  But the number of horror stories are too high not to do something about this situation.  And if you are one of those good stories thank Yahweh for your luck and don’t be one of those who beat up those of us who are living in hell.  And it is luck.  Luck of the draw.  People have asked me how they can tell if theirs will be one of the good or bad ones.  I have no clue.  Ours had every sign of being good ones there.  Remember, lying comes natural to them.

So once these teens come home they quickly learn how they can turn to the American foster care, justice and CPS system to get what they want.  They learn that they can pretty much do anything they want, including come and go, but the parents are responsible until they are 18.  That even if they change their mind and want to dissolve the adoption and go back to Ukraine they cannot until they are 18.  These families are stuck in turmoil.

Then as if that isn’t enough, the stories I’ve heard of extended family members and entire churches who go against these families is horrific.  I want to slap them all.  Really.  Try living in a home where you all sleep behind locked doors terrified that your adopted teen is going to come after you in the night with a knife.   Where you can’t sleep because any minute a smoke alarm is going to go off because your adopted teen told you he is going to kill you and the entire family.  Try living a life of joy while an adopted teen tells  you he is going to terrorize you until you are all dead, even once he turns 18 and if you move.  He will find you and kill all of you.   Where you do everything you can to protect your biological children from being harmed, both physically and emotionally.  When you know your adopted teen has CPS on speed dial and if they get bent out of shape in any way that number will be called and some made up allegation told and once again you are all in the fire.  You live life walking on eggshells and so many people come out of the woodwork to tell you how wrong you are or how differently you should be doing things.

The “I would do this or that” or the “I could do it better”, or even better, “well if God brought you to this He will bring you through it so keep going” – UGH!!!  Really!

I’ll put this out right now.  Yahweh does not want our biological children and families to be put on the alter of adopting these teens who are bent on destroying families.  There is only one person who would want that and he is the enemy.  The enemy is the lion out to destroy at all costs.  And doing it all in the name of Yahweh makes it all the sweeter for him.

Honestly this whole thing is like going on a dating show.  You go on this show and behind the curtain the guy says all the right things so you agree to go on a date.  The date is fun so you decide to get married.  Right then.  The honeymoon is pretty good, or even great in some cases.   Then you get home and you find out he is controlling, manipulative, angry, mentally, emotionally and physically abusive and you are in fear of your life.  You tell the judge, your friends, your church you want out.  Dissolve the marriage.  Nope!  Gotta stick it out.  And by the way, any damages caused or any court costs must be paid by you, the victim.

From them you hear:  Give it time, he will change.  What are you doing to cause this?  It’s because of how he grew up, you have to feel badly for him and give him more chances.  He doesn’t have any experience in a marriage so give it time and a lot of counseling.  You made a vow before God, you can’t back out now.  If God brought you to this, He will bring you through it.  Well, if it were me I would blaaaa, blaaaa, blaaaa.  You know, some people just need time and love.  Well, you knew it would be hard.  You know, I have a friend who got married quickly like you and they are doing fine now, had a few bumps in the beginning.  On and on and on.

Does anyone see how ridiculous this is????  NO!  NO!  NO!!   If this was our friend we would be telling them to get the heck out of that house pronto and file some sort of restraining order and get a divorce/annulment and move far away so you never have to be around that person again.   But because this is a teen “orphan” all the emotions come out and we start making excuses for them and the adoptive parents are out in the cold.

And believe me I know the difference between hard and horrible.  Hard we can handle.  Hard is the road less traveled.  At first that was the road I thought we were on.  We can do all things through Him that gives us strength.   And we can, and we are.  But there is a difference between hard and horrible.  Horrible is when your beautiful bio daughter is at risk because of things your adopted daughter has done.  When you realized you sacrificed her to help another who really didn’t want your help to start with.  Horrible is when your home becomes a war zone with you doing everything you can to defend your family against evil 24 hours a day and you are exhausted and suffering from PTSD.

My husband reminds me that when the battle in the heavens raged one third of the stars fell to the earth.  Those “stars” are here with us today, doing the bidding of the enemy.  The enemy wants to destroy the family.  You can see it all through this society.  The family belongs to Yahweh.  How better to destroy than from within?  Bring one of those “stars” right into the family.

Now is the time for we families to fight the good fight.  Bring this out into the open.  Let the public know and let’s make a difference.  Let’s change the process.  Instead of marrying after a date or two, let’s have a nice, long, long engagement process.  In order to make that happen laws must change, both here and in Ukraine.  In Ukraine because they only recognize “blind” adoptions.  Seriously that’s like going on blind date and agreeing to be married.  Who does that????

So that is our mission.  And in the meantime, let’s find ways of helping aging out teens right there in Ukraine.  As I’ve said before the Bible is clear to help the orphans but nowhere does it say to bring them into our homes to do so.  Let’s help them where they belong.  We have plans to help a young teen there get into a good environment and go to college so she can have a future in her country.  Let’s more of us step up in those ways.  We can make a difference to the teen orphans.  Let’s just do it there.