I’m telling you right off the bat that this subject infuriates me more than just about anything else. I can almost feel my blood boil when I stumble across a story about it. Abuse of parents by adopted children/teens. And the anger is multiplied when the abused parent has someone in their life enabling the abuser and telling the abused that it is their fault or they just need love them more.
I tell a story in my book (Adoption Combat Zone) about a parent being abused. Here is the excerpt:
Abuse by an adoptee against an adoptive parent
Family X. I received a private message from a woman who told me her story could be the one above (story about a family being sexually abused by an adoptee with the husband moving out from the trauma – the bio children had been removed from the home) except her husband was still in the home with her. They were fighting to get their adopted son out of the house and get their bio children back. The day before, their adopted son had beat up her husband. Brutally. Blood all over his face. Just attacked him out of nowhere. Why? Because the adopted son was not allowed to use his phone to get on a porn website. Yup. Normal parenting action resulted in the parent being beaten.
And you might ask, “Why didn’t the dad fight back?”
Are you crazy?
No way. If there was even one bruise on that adopted son, the dad would have been hauled off to jail for child abuse. He had no choice but to just take it and run from the assault best he could.
Self-defense is NOT an option. In the eyes of the authorities the children/teens are always right and the parents are always wrong. Once authorities realize the child/teen really committed the crime, that child/teen is released right back into the home. There are no repercussions for them and they are free to continue the abuse. And they will. Because now they know they can get away with it.
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Parental abuse is a much too common occurrence in the world of adoption. But even worse than that are the onlookers who still take the side of the adoptee and tell the parent the adoptee just needs more love, or more hugs.
Honestly, if the abuser was a man who abused his wife, would an onlooker tell the wife to just love her husband more and be sure he gets plenty of hugs every day?? OH MY WORD!! Seriously!! NO!!! We would surround that woman with our love and keep that man far away from her.
That doesn’t happen in adoption families. Recently a woman was told by her sister that perhaps she is the problem (adopted son 17 is physically abusive towards her and makes continually sexual advances) and if she just loved him more and gave him more affection he probably wouldn’t act out. ARE YOU SERIOUS??? Would she tell her sister that if it were her husband abusing her? This abused woman is being told it is all her fault and is filled with guilt on top of the abuse!!!
It is NOT this mom’s fault in any way.
If you are a friend, or family member, of an adoptive parent, and they are being mentally, emotionally, physically or sexually abused by their child/teen adoptee…..
DO NOT…
Tell them it is their fault
Tell them if they only did this or that…
Tell them they should be doing…
Tell them their adoptee needs more hugs and love
ABUSE IS NOT THE FAULT OF THE ONE BEING ABUSED!
And I don’t care if the abuse is mental, emotional, physical or sexual – abuse is abuse. Period.
If you are an abused adoptive parent please do not allow anyone to push guilt on you for not loving, not hugging, not being affectionate toward your abuser. It is NOT your fault you are being abused. Please get help. You are not alone.
Simply My Opinion,
Kathe
www.adoptioncombatzone.com
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