Triggers…Chocolate Chip Cookies!

I’ve loved baking since I was a little girl. Several years ago I took myself off to culinary school to learn how to be better at it. I love cooking in general, but baking and pastries are my thing. My older children grew up with a cookie jar always filled with homemade cookies of one sort or another.

A few days ago I glanced over at the counter which holds bowls of various fruits and snacks and it hit me when I saw two boxes of store bought cookies that I had allowed the trauma of the adoptions to steal my love of baking. I hadn’t baked cookies (or anything else for that matter) in years. Too many years. I went online and ordered my favorite chocolate chips – Belgium 54% right from the bean without additives. Then since we’ve gone gluten free and no processed sugar I bought organic cane sugar and gluten free flour.

Today was the day. I got out the ingredients and started measuring. As the mixer started turning I started bawling. Out of nowhere! So much loss and guilt and it hit me so hard. I didn’t expect it. I certainly didn’t expect a bowl of chocolate chip cookie dough to do me in. Not after all this time. That’s the thing with PTSD. You never know when it’s going to jump out, grab you and take you down into the pit of hell.

I’m getting better though. A few months ago the feelings of loss and guilt would have taken me out for the whole day, or even several days. Crying over lost time and lost potential memories. Sad because my two bios who are still at home didn’t get the mom my older children had; the one who always had a full cookie jar.

Today was different. I stopped after just few tears and realized that I’m better now than I was. Stronger for the trials I’ve gone through and come through. Wiser because of mistakes made. A better mentor to my bios because I know what is important and what is not. BECAUSE we adopted. YES! I am better having gone through the pit of adoption hell.

I am grateful to Yahweh. He gets all the credit. Without Him I’m not sure I would be anything but a weeping pile of guilt and regret. He showed me that the enemy is going to continue to throw the past in my face to try and get me to walk away from my purpose. To stop writing, to stop doing my Arbonne business, to stop being there for my family, to stop being a voice for the many who don’t have a voice.

There is no doubt the enemy has won those battles with me in the past. It has been quite a journey spending time in Yahweh’s Word, lots and lots of prayer, and remembering that “no matter what” Who I belong to and because of it I am coming through better and stronger than ever! I am learning to listen in to His voice and ignore the voice of the enemy.

My prayer for you who are living in the trenches of any trial; whether it be in your own adoption nightmare or any other human trial (and we all know there are plenty of those to go around) that you lean on Him. That you remember that the true battle is in the heavenlies and the enemy is very real and wants you to fail. That prayer and standing strong are our weapons of destruction to that enemy. To listen to Him through the noise of your trial.

I wrote in the book (Adoption Combat Zone) our enemy wants families destroyed, mom’s destroyed, wives destroyed, marriages destroyed. We have a choice in the matter and we don’t have to allow it. So we stand, and stand strong, holding the Sword of the Spirit, which is the Word of Yahweh, and we pray. Pray for our families, our marriages, and ourselves. We will win this battle. We will win the war!

As I bit into a freshly baked chocolate chip cookie and briefly wondered how long it had been since I’d done that, I stopped and rejoiced as the gooey chocolate melted in my mouth. Rejoiced that Yahweh is my God and I am His person and He has brought me through a thousand battles a better person than I was and most certainly a better mom. And instead of tears this time, I had a huge smile on my face, looking forward to an amazing future, and more chocolate chip cookies.

This is…Simply My Opinion,

Kathe
www.adoptioncombatzone.com
Available on Amazon and in your local bookstore through Indiebound.org
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www.katheray.arbonne.com