If you have read my book (Adoption Combat Zone) you’ll know that towards the end of the book we bailed Viktor out of jail in January 2017 for driving on a suspended license and owing more than $5,000 to three different court jurisdictions. He was in way over his head. This after moving out on his own because he “was a man” and didn’t have to listen to us anymore. Then telling everyone he met that we kicked him out. (By the way this is VERY common with children/teens with R.A.D. They take zero personal responsibility and everything is always the fault of someone else.)
Viktor moved back home in January 2017 and for the next ten months I worked with him to get two jobs, went to all of his court appointments with him, and helped him manage paying off all of his debt and then working with him to save enough to be able to move out on his own again. He moved out into an apartment with a friend on November 1st.
We’ve heard from him from time to time over the past few months, mostly when he needed something like his social security card or other document. Two weeks ago he showed up at the house banging on the door and ringing the doorbell like a madman. My PTSD came out with a vengeance and when I opened the door he was standing there yelling like a crazy person to me giving him all his documents (dok-ooo-ments) so he could move to another state. When I asked him what was going on he refused to answer. “I no tell you.” I asked what state and he ignored my question.
I got his documents (birth certificate and certificate of citizenship), handed them over and he turned and started to walk out the door. I called his name and he turned and said loudly, “Thank you for adopting me.” I said, “Viktor, that’s not what I was going to say. I wanted you to remember that we love you and if you need to talk about anything I will listen.” He just turned around and walked away.
I was so sad that day thinking about how much he had wasted. We had sacrificed so much to give him the chance at a great future and he had thrown it in the trash heap. I told Tom later he seemed as if he was on something but I hadn’t smelled anything on him. Maybe alcohol.
A few days ago several pieces of mail showed up for him. A hospital bill, a bill from an ambulance company and a letter from a rehab center. Hmmm…what was going on now? I had no way of contacting Viktor so I just set the mail aside for him.
We heard nothing more until a phone call Saturday from Viktor. From a police station.
“Mom, this Viktor. I need $200. Can I borrow $200. I at police station. I pay you back this week.”
Me: “What happened.”
Viktor: “I cross street and police arrest me to go to jail.”
Me: “What else did you do?” Knowing full well someone isn’t going to be arrested for crossing the street. A ticket maybe, but not arrested with a $200 bail.
Viktor; “Nothing. I cross street. I do nothing.”
Me: “Let me talk to the arresting officer.” This starts a back and forth between the officer (who I can hear in the background) and Viktor about talking to me. I can hear the officer saying he does not want to talk to me. He probably thinks I’m one of those parents who is going to scream at him for doing something to her poor little boy who has done nothing. He has no clue I’m not that parent. Finally I hear the officer ask Viktor if he gives permission for the officer to talk to me since Viktor is over 18. Viktor replies, “Yes.”
Officer M. introduces himself and I immediately say, “I know he did more than jaywalking and there is more to this story than he is telling me. We have dealt with him lying to us about things like this for more than five years since we adopted him from Ukraine. What did he really do?” I could almost hear the officer relax and his tone changes completely.
Officer M. replied and told me they had gotten a call from a local gas station where Viktor had caused damage in the men’s restroom. When he found him, Viktor was walking down the path near the road away from the station. Officer M. had pulled up next to him, told Viktor to stop and wait for him to park and get out of his car so he could talk to Viktor. Viktor told him no and ran across the road instead. (Ugh! Typical of him. Never doing what he is asked. Always thinking he is in charge.)
Finally the officer parked and caught up to him. Viktor then turned very confrontational dancing around as if he were in a boxing match. (I told the officer later Viktor used to box while in the orphanage.) The officer ended up putting Viktor in handcuffs after a physical exchange. After searching Viktor the officer found glue sniffing paraphernalia. Viktor was covered in glue, as was the bathroom at the gas station. He was arrested for the glue, for the damage to the restroom, and for resisting the officer.
Now the $200 bail made more sense. I realized in that moment that everything we had done for Viktor truly was a waste. He was no better off than he would have been left in Ukraine. In fact, in some ways he is worse off. There at least he had biological parents, an aunt, a younger half-brother, and most importantly he knew the language and culture. It was a waste to bring him back into our home last year and work to get him out of debt and back onto his feet. It was a waste of time and resources to bring him here from Ukraine and to spend the last five years trying to make him see that he could rise above his past.
Because that is what this is all about. Giving an orphan the chance to rise above their past. Just like anyone who has had a challenging upbringing they have that choice. Sadly, many of them, like Viktor, will stand with hands on hips and in complete defiance tell you “This is who I am and I no change. I am same today and tomorrow. Nothing you do will change me. It stupid to try to make me change. I no change.” I heard that litany over and over again in the past five years.
Even after sitting down one day and telling him the story of my upbringing and telling him stories of others who overcame great obstacles to live good lives he is absolutely convinced in his mind he will never change. So he won’t. That’s the sadness of it all. He has the power to change it all. He was given the possibility of a great future and all he had to do was accept it and work on changing himself.
I told the officer I would not pay the bail. He thanked me. He said so many parents continue to enable these kids and all the kids learn is to keep doing what they are doing and that the parents will bail them out if/when they get into trouble.
I told Officer M. we had made that mistake a year ago when we brought Viktor back home. Not only did that not teach Viktor anything, it set our family back in our healing by an entire year. It was especially hard on Garrett and Katherine. Tom and I made a pact that we would never allow him to move back home again and if he got into trouble he would have to figure it out himself. It was the only way Viktor might learn something. So here we were and we had to stick to our promise.
During our conversation I mentioned I had written a book about our experience. The officer asked the name of the book and said he was definitely going to read it. Thinking about it after hanging up I drove to the station to give him a copy. The more police officers and others who deal with children and teens like this are educated about RAD and other adoption trauma, the better. We ended up talking for more than half an hour and I left him the book. I pray it makes a difference.
I left without seeing Viktor and without paying the $200. He was arraigned Sunday, but I don’t know the outcome. As the officer said at least he is out of the elements (it was sleeting rain all day yesterday and seems Viktor is now homeless having been kicked out (??) of the apartment.) And in jail he can’t sniff glue. So that’s something.
All I can do now is to pray that this is a wake-up call for him and he will start making some changes.
Kathe
www.adoptioncombatzone.com
Find me on Facebook and Instagram @adoptioncombatzone
www.katheray.arbonne.com
I am confused by the fact that you said Viktor is an orphan:
“Because that is what this is all about. Giving an orphan the chance to rise above their past. ”
But then you say that he was better off in the Ukraine with his parents and a host of other relatives in a country where he knew the language and culture:
“I realized in that moment that everything we had done for Viktor truly was a waste. He was no better off than he would have been left in Ukraine. In fact, in some ways he is worse off. There at least he had biological parents, an aunt, a younger half-brother, and most importantly he knew the language and culture. ”
So you did not adopt him you were like a host family?
I’m sorry I confused you. We were told his parents were either dead or unable to be found. We didn’t know about the uncle until after the adoption. We knew he had a younger brother and an aunt but they were estranged with no contact. It’s so messed up.