Blind Date!

There once was a beautiful and godly woman who had a heart of gold named Mary. Her friends loved her sweet, gentle, and giving spirit. She was single and everyone knew what Mary really wanted was to be married. To be a wife and mother. She prayed continually for a good man to come into her life. 

Her best friend Jane convinced her to go out on a blind date with someone she thought was a good match, a man who worked with Jane’s husband. Jane spent a half hour expounding on all of his amazing attributes and Mary finally agreed to go on the date.

Mary and Sam met at a local Italian place he suggested which was known for it’s casual atmosphere and excellent food. When she arrived he was already waiting at the table and had ordered a bottle of her favorite wine. She smiled thinking he had remembered what she’d told him about the wine when they’d set the date. 

Over the meal they talked about their friends, family and what they liked to do for fun. Conversation was easy and natural and they seemed to have a lot in common. At the end of the meal he paid the bill then just as they got up to leave he reached over, covered her hand with his, looked into her eyes and asked, “Would you marry me right now?” She thought about the nice meal they’d just shared, the easy conversation, the commonality between them and replied, “I’d love to.” They left the restaurant, drove to the nearest courthouse, and made it official. They were married. Just like that!

Several months went by and on the outside they looked like a happy couple. No one noticed how the light behind her smile had disappeared. Friends wondered a bit why she wasn’t available for coffee or a movie, but shrugged it off as she was newly married. Before long she started missing church, then family outings. She made excuses that they had other plans, something which had never happened prior to her marriage. Work friends noticed she no longer brought treats to share and rarely had conversations that weren’t work related.

One day Jane showed up at Mary’s work demanding to know what was going on and why she had ignored the request to join their group of friends for their monthly dinner out the previous night. Mary broke down and told Jane she had made a huge mistake marrying Sam. She admitted that he was very controlling, verbally and physically abusive, and he refused to allow her any freedom except to go back and forth to work. She was not allowed to talk to her friends or family except to give them excuses why she couldn’t attend functions. He constantly monitored her phone usage and even time driving back and forth to work. If she was even a few minutes off schedule she was sure to pay the price that night.

Jane was furious. At Mary. “How can you tell such lies about such a good man? What is the matter with you? I feel like I don’t even know you anymore? If he is doing any of this you must be doing something to cause it. Have you tried to just love him more? Maybe you should take a marriage class and learn to be a good wife. Any woman would be grateful to be married to a smart and handsome man like Sam and here you are bad-mouthing him. How do you think it would make him feel to know you are talking about him this way? You know, if he is doing any of this it most likely stems from his childhood, which wasn’t a great one, or more likely, something you are doing to him now. Maybe you just need to have some compassion for him.”

You, my reader, are most likely very confused right now. You wonder why in the world this woman married this man she barely knew after one blind date. Yes, her friend knew him – slightly, but she only had one short date. To make a life-long commitment to someone you barely know after such a short time is quite insane. I would venture to say that not many first dates end up in immediate marriage – and rightly so.

Then you get to the part about the abuse in the story. Why is Jane is angry with Mary saying all those terrible things to her? Didn’t Jane know Mary most of her life and know what kind of person she is? Didn’t Jane remember how she used to describe Mary as someone with a heart of gold who was always there for her friends and family, even at her own expense? Wasn’t Mary the one everyone turned to when their life went upside down?

No friend would really act like Jane was towards Mary, would they? If you really believe that you have never been on the wrong side of family and friends during an adoption gone wrong.

It happens every day. Seriously. I’m not kidding. And not just from friends, but close family, too. Mothers and fathers turning against sons and daughters. Lifelong friends at complete odds. 

These are just two of the issues in adoption that need addressing.

First. We who adopt are making life-long and life-altering commitments to another person whom we barely know. What we do know is mostly learned from others who we barely know. We take the word of people who have a vested interest in making money from the adoption. And some of those people are only repeating what they’ve heard from others since they don’t have direct contact with the orphan on a daily basis. Even those of us who host orphans in our homes prior to adoption only get a tiny, forced, and mostly faked snapshot of who that child/teen really is. The true picture of who that child/teen is won’t come out until after the ink is dry on the marriage certificate…oops, I mean court adoption papers.

There is no courtship. No getting to know the real orphan in real life circumstances. There is very little truth in advertising in the hosting/adoption world. One woman recently wrote me that the charming, adorable, smiling girl at the orphanage turned into a violent psychopath once in their home. Everyone at the orphanage “forgot” to tell the would be parents that she was the orphanage bully who constantly beat up the other orphans. (I’m betting there was a huge sigh of relief from those orphans left at the orphanage as the car with this girl drove away for the last time.)

There is no waiting or probationary period in adoption where, if you find something is terribly wrong, you can reverse the adoption. You are stuck. For life. A life prison sentence is what many of us in the adoption community call it. A life prison sentence in your own home.

Even worse than marriage because in the event of finding yourself in an abusive and dangerous marriage you can divorce. In adoption there is no such thing. You are stuck until that child/teen comes of age and sometimes for many years afterwards if the child has mental impairments and can’t live on their own. 

Second, the lack of support from the adoption community, friends, and family is unconscionable. This is where horrible meets insane. Every single thing (and more) I wrote above is what we in bad adoption land listen to every day. Even from people who are supposed to love and care about us. And people who have known us most of our lives and should know better.

• I don’t believe you.
• You just need to love them more.
• You just need to love them longer. It can take time.
• There is no way a child can do what you’re saying he is doing. Children are not capable of doing those things.
• You must be exaggerating.
• You need parenting classes. (This is a classic said to those of us who have raised several other children to adulthood without any issues.)
• He seems like such a great kid.
• I would love to have a child like him.
• She is so adorable and loving, I can’t even imagine what you’re saying is true.
• What are you doing to cause her to act like that? (Ack!!!)
• Adoption is hard and children come from hard places so of course there is going to be an adjustment period. Give it time.
  
• It can’t be as bad as you say. She is always so wonderful at church, or school, or wherever.
• I adopted and it was very difficult, but I didn’t give up. You need to work through these things. (Basically saying that we are not as good as you, or smart as you, or as good a parent as you…UGH!)
• On and on and on….

UGH! UGH! UGH! Not one of us would ever say these things to one of our friends who was living in an abusive and dangerous relationship. We would tell them to GET OUT and GET OUT NOW and we would be right there to help them move to safety. In fact, if they didn’t want to move we would do everything in our power to convince them.

But OH NO! Not when there is a child/teen involved. In that case the adoptive parents are WRONG no matter what. One woman, whose 4-year-old with severe RAD, adopted age one, came at her and her infant with a knife was asked, “What did you do to cause him to do that because no child would ever do that on his own.” She lives in fear for her life because no one will help and all they do is blame her for his actions.

You might think the story above is a rare occurrence. NOPE! Read Adoption Combat Zone. There are over 350 stories from other adoptive parents who live with scenarios just like this one. And those 350 are just a drop in the overflowing bucket of adoptions gone bad.

Changes need to happen in the adoption world. 

First. Stop making instant decisions that are going to affect your entire life. We spent less than 30 minutes with two of our adoptees talking with them through a translator before agreeing to adopt them. The decision was based primarily on what others told us about them, most of which we found out too late were blatant lies. We trusted those who knew them best and that was a mistake that cost our family dearly. 

One teen we hosted for three weeks prior to adoption was a master at hiding his true self and again, most of our decision was based on the words of others who knew him and who had a vested interest in his adoption.

Second. If you know someone who has adopted, believe them. Support them. Throw out your preconceived ideas that children can do no wrong. Children can, and children do. If you are an adoptive parent whose child/teen is doing okay or even great, even after some rough times, remember there are others who are living in hell right now with their adopted child/teen. They are not worse parents than you are and they have most likely tried every adoption trauma program out there. They are worn out and have no where to turn. They haven’t slept in months or even years. They are afraid for their marriage and their family. They live with regret and guilt. Have some love and compassion for them. Keep the judgement and the platitudes to yourselves. And be grateful to Yahweh that you don’t have to walk in their shoes today.

If you are a friend or family member of someone who has a difficult adoption reach out to them. Offer your support. Take them a meal or two or three. If there are biological children in the home ask to take them for a day of fun. DO NOT take the adopted children. Don’t say, “Let me know if you need anything.” Instead say, “What do you need right now?” And then do it. 

Most of all believe them. Listen to them. Hear them. Hug them. Let them know you believe what they are saying. Validate them. 

If you are someone considering adoption please do your due diligence. Read my book, Adoption Combat Zone, so you are prepared for what could happen. Build your support system. And if at all possible have independent professionals conduct mental and physical exams. Be on the lookout for the signs of RAD (Reactive Attachment Disorder), FAS (Fetal Alcohol Syndrome) and other trauma issues. Don’t adopt any child or teen with issues that you are not approved by your home study agency to adopt. 

This is Simply My Opinion,

Kathe
www.adoptioncombatzone.com