I just read a news report out of Utah about a teenage adoptee named Joey who is now in foster care because “multiple families didn’t want him”. Poor Joey. I’m sure before too long someone will step up and rescue the poor orphan teen who only wants a forever family. Honestly, it makes me want to puke. No family is going to spend tens of thousands of dollars to adopt and bring a teen to America only to turn him over to CPS. And turning a child/teen over to CPS is not as easy as all that either. Those parents have most likely been charged with neglect, been labeled unfit parents, and their world turned upside down by CPS. This is not a choice someone makes easily. I know.
For those of you who’ve read the book, Adoption Combat Zone, you’ll know the torments our adopted girl, Arina, put our family through. Making false reports to CPS (Child Protective Services) about us beating her, abusing her, not feeding her, not having hot water for her to shower, and on and on and on. All proven false after exhausting and excruciating investigations. After each investigation showed no evidence she would finally admit that she made it all up in order to “get us into trouble” after we didn’t allow her to do something she wanted to do such as stay up all night on talking on the phone to strange men she met online or taking away a phone so she wouldn’t go on porn sites.
Our entire family suffered through two years of the Arina roller coaster. Running away, CPS, lies told to teachers, physically attacking me in a grocery store and breaking my leg, and more. I can’t begin to count the number of times she screamed at me, letting me know in no uncertain terms how much she hated me, how she never wanted to be adopted, and what a horrible mother I was to her. She terrorized all of us to the point where we suffered from PTSD.
Her tone when she said, “I wish you dead” still haunts me. I know without a doubt that if she could have figured out a way to make that happen and not get the blame, she would have. We all slept behind locked doors and even then I rarely slept for more than an hour at a time.
At one point we had the option of turning her over to CPS. However, we were threatened with having a neglect charge filed against us. When that happens, we were told by CPS that we would be labeled as unfit parents and any children under age 18 we had in the home would be removed and put into foster care. Since at that time we still had three children under 18, one adopted and two biological, that was not a viable option for us. So we were stuck in the Arina nightmare.
The day she turned 18 we celebrated our freedom from her tyranny over our family. She was out of our home for good and we were off her horrific roller coaster. Her life over the past two years has been one sugar daddy after another. Each one finally tiring of her internet porn addiction combined with an entitlement mentality where she is the princess getting whatever her heart desires at the expense of anyone who might dare to care about her. There is no give in Arina. It is all take. And absolutely zero taking responsibility for any of her actions. Blame is her game and she is good at it.
These days I rarely think of her. My home is the peaceful place it was before we adopted. My daughter finally stopped locking her bedroom door at night so I know she is finally feeling safe again.
But like the proverbial bad penny which always turns up, out of the blue last week I got a Facebook message from Arina. My heart sunk just seeing the notification pop up. Feelings of those two years came rushing over me. I felt a moment of panic. Then I realized she no longer has any control over my family and opened her message.
“Hello mom.”
Ugh I think! I’m not your mom. I’ve never been your mom. The only time you’ve ever called me that is when you want something from me. I hate that you use that term because you don’t mean it. You, yourself, told me on many occasions that I am not your mom.
Me: “Hello.” Waiting for the shoe to drop.
Arina: “How are you?”
You don’t care how I am. You are only trying to soften me up for something. What is it?
Me: “Fine.”
Arina: “I am not with my boyfriend anymore. He kick me out. I want to know if I can come to your house.”
Two thoughts run through my mind. Of course your boyfriend kicked you out. Everyone kicks you out. How many times have you told someone that we kicked you out after you left screaming how terrible we are and that you are never coming back? It is that entitlement kicking in. It’s never your doing.
My second thought was not even if hell froze over would I ever allow you to step foot in my home again. The thought of you here makes me physically sick to my stomach. I feel myself go tense.
Me: “No, I can’t let you do that.”
Arina: “Why not?”
Hmmm…let me count the reasons. How about the one where you falsely accused the man who went out of his way to adopt you and who tried to be a good dad to you, who when we didn’t let you have your way, you told CPS he sexually molested you and he was put through a terrifying investigation which could have ended with him in jail with a record. Thank Yahweh your story didn’t match up to the timeline and when you finally realized you got caught in another lie you came clean and told the truth. But the damage was done.
Me: “It’s just not possible.”
Arina: “I don’t know what to do.”
Why not do what you’ve done every other time. Get on the internet and find your next victim.
Me: “Here is the website for Job Corp. It is a great organization that will give you a place to live, food to eat, and they will teach you a job. Then they will help you find a job once you’ve gone through training. You can apply right online on your phone or at the library on the computer. You can also find their phone number on the website and call them.
Arina: “Fine.”
And she was gone, logged off. I can’t imagine her contacting Job Corp. She is allergic to work. She only wants handouts. She will find someone and tell her sob story about being the poor orphan who got kicked out of her home and someone will feel sorry for her. Before long though they will start to wonder about the kicking out thing and then soon after they will want her gone, too.
A vicious cycle of using and abusing people.
So Joey in Utah I’ve got your number. And so do hundreds of other adoptive parents who tried to parent someone just like you. You can’t fool us anymore. I’m sure you’ll find someone with a huge heart for orphans who will take you in and you’ll do your thing to ruin that, too, in time.
This is Simply My Opinion,
Kathe
www.adoptioncombatzone.com
https://www.facebook.com/adoptioncombatzone/
www.katheray.arbonne.com
I keep saying to one of my two “in the wind” kids – Job Corps, Job Corps, Job Corps. But he too is allergic to work.
I understand. Am there with one of mine. It’s frustrating but we can’t want it for them more than they want it for themselves. Hugs, Kathe