Dear Teacher Of My Reactive Attachment Disorder (RAD) Child/Teen,

(Or anyone else who has regular contact with him/her such as a neighbor, friend of the family, extended family member, church member, etc.)

My child/teen has RAD. Reactive Attachment Disorder. I wanted you to know what we, his/her family, deals with every day so you can be aware when he/she exhibits these behaviors in your presence. At the end of this letter I will give the link to the Todd Friel video where he talks about these 20 symptoms of RAD. After each RAD symptom in bold I have given my personal experience after having three RAD teens in my home and having written a book (Adoption Combat Zone) with stories from over 350 other adoptive families. 

Twenty RAD symptoms by Todd Friel

1. Superficially charming. Never real. Always fake. Good enough to fool people who don’t know them well. Used extensively for manipulation purposes. Examples: I love you mommy, all super sweet, after being verbally and physically abusive to mommy for days because RAD just realized they want something only mommy can give to them. Or, charming the pants off of a stranger, then telling their “poor orphan” story so the person will feel sorry for them then buy or give them what they want.
2. Lack of eye contact. They will not engage unless they want something. They will only have direct eye contact when they want something from you and they are trying to gauge your reaction to their request or behavior. If you begin a conversation with them they will look everywhere except at you. 
3. Indiscriminately affectionate with strangers. Ours point blank told us that they trusted the stranger they met that afternoon more than they trusted us, their parents. Hugging and snuggling with complete strangers within moments of meeting them is very common. Stroking other people including their hair and rubbing their hands over the strangers back and shoulders. They will grab and hold hands. They have ZERO natural boundaries. In fact this was a symptom of RAD we were unaware of when we met our RAD’s who were overly affectionate with us immediately upon meeting us. Red flag.
4. Not affectionate on parents’ terms. Only when RAD wants something will they say things like I’m sorry, I love you, or show any signs of affection including using terms such as mom or dad. I learned that when I heard one of them say “mom” to be on alert because they were attempting to manipulate me. Sometimes we gave in on something they wanted simply to see a glimpse of the child/teen we thought they were all the while knowing once they get what they want they will go back to their same bad behavior and we will be disappointed once again. 
5. Destructive to self, others, animals, and material things. I could write a book about this – oh wait! I did! Self-harming is something many RAD’s do, many times to gain attention. Above all else they want all attention focused on themselves. We found the majority of the destruction from our RAD’s was aimed at hurting mom who they viewed as the enemy. Anything mom cared for became a target. That included biological children, pets, or anything that’s important to mom. If I buy the puppy a new toy it is sure to come up missing within hours. If my bio daughter gets a new notebook for school something of hers will go missing or the new notebook will have slits through it from a knife. Nothing is sacred. As mom I am very careful to what or whom I pay any special attention because there will be repercussions. If there is a baby or toddler in the home they need to be watched 24/7 to keep them from being harmed.
6. Cruelty to animals. RAD’s can be very cruel. They love to torment those who are weaker than they are to show their superiority, and even more so if this animal is one that I, their enemy, shows any affection whatsoever. One woman who rescued cats found her adopted daughter throwing the cats against the wall to see it they would break. They did. Many of them died. There was zero remorse. She thought it was funny. And when she saw her mom crying it made her even happier. 
7. Lying about the obvious. Here is an example that happened over and over again in our home. I see RAD take something that doesn’t belong to them. I tell them to put it back because it isn’t theirs. RAD states they didn’t take it even though it is in their hand. I say there it is right in your hand. This will go on forever unless you threaten to take something of theirs from them. No amount of reasoning will do anything except add to the frustration. After putting up camera’s in my home office to keep them from stealing we showed them the video’s of them going into my purse and taking money. They all denied it vehemently even though the video clearly showed them putting the money into their pockets. They were so angry that we accused them that they slammed out the front door and we didn’t see them until the police brought them home three days later. Then adding insult to injury when brought home they told the police they ran away because we were stealing their money. 
8. Stealing. Constant. Anything of perceived value. From us. From school mates. From teachers. From stores. From gas stations. From friends. From strangers. With zero remorse or admittance even when caught. On the other hand when someone steals something from them (which happened to one of our RAD’s at school). After he noticed that $5 was taken from his jacket he blew up and screamed profanities until he had to be physically restrained and I was called to pick him up where he continued to scream at me about his $5. This was the same boy who stole hundreds of dollars from us. When I attempted to help him empathize with us who he had stolen from he simply told me it was not the same and continued to rant for hours about his $5. 
9. No impulse controls. What they want, they take. What they want to do, they do. They care nothing about consequences and in fact will be surprised if caught and then mad they got caught for something they think is no big deal. They completely turn the tables until everything, including what they did, is someone else’s fault. It is narcissism gone wild. They can only think about themselves and what they want. You cannot reason with this mentality.
10. Lack of conscience. As stated in several examples above, they have no reality of anything ever being their responsibility or fault. They will never feel badly about something they’ve done. Sometimes they will act as if they feel badly and say they are sorry but only if they think it will get them out of trouble. Manipulation tactic. One of our adopted RAD’s is back in his home country. He messages me and tells me he is sorry for molesting our 15-year-old daughter. Then he asks me to help him get back to America. One time I flat out said to him that the only reason he was saying he was sorry was so that I would help him. He agreed then asked if I would help him anyway. 
11. Abnormal eating patterns. They can eat enormous amounts of food or no food at all for days. They will eat strange combinations like an entire container of sour cream with a cup of sugar on top. They will ask for a certain food and once made will refuse to eat it telling you it looks like garbage. They will steal food from a local store and we’ll find it rotting, uneaten, in their room. If you put something in front of them they don’t like that day (they liked it last week) they will spit on it and me, asking why I feed them such garbage. (This is homemade from scratch food.) They will take the sandwich made with homemade bread and throw it in the garbage at school and then tell everyone we are starving them. We will wake up one morning and find the refrigerator was cleaned out of all the food we planned to serve that day. Later we’ll find empty containers in their room and uneaten food smashed under their mattress.
12. Poor peer relationships. Making friends for most RAD’s is literally impossible. It goes back to it’s all about them. No one, even another small child who starts out as a friend, will put up with that behavior for long. RAD will keep up the relationship as long as there is something in it for them. After that they will walk away without a second thought. Our RAD’s even turned on each other when it suited them. There is no loyalty. And zero understanding when RAD tries to rekindle the relationship and the other person wants nothing to do with RAD. RAD doesn’t comprehend that it was them that ruined the relationship and the other person doesn’t want to get burned a second time.
13. Preoccupation with fire. Constant talk of burning down the house, burning the car, burning everything meaningful to the family, and even burning the house with the family inside. Playing with matches and lighters. Drawing vivid pictures of burning buildings. Filling trash cans with combustibles and lighting them on fire. There are numerous stories of homes being burned to the ground by their RAD child or teen. Fire and RAD are a dangerous mixture.
14. Preoccupation with blood and gore. If RAD is not watching porn on their (stolen) phone they will migrate to the most violent shows possible. They spend hours watching the news and the worse it is the more they are enthralled with it. A fellow adoptive mom said that her RAD daughter would only watch the beginning of a particular show because she liked watching the murder happen. The mom said she liked watching the criminals get caught and brought to justice. RAD said, “That’s boring.” They will draw pictures with lots of blood and scenes of murder. One mom found a picture drawn by RAD daughter of RAD standing over the mom while mom was sleeping with a bloody red knife in her hands and blood all over the room. 
15. Preoccupation with bodily functions. Painting with feces is common. There are even groups on social media where this is their main focus it is so common. Urinating on things of importance, into heating vents, and on furniture and even walls to ruin them. However, this bodily function doesn’t mean they have good hygiene and in most cases they have just the opposite. They will refuse to take showers or wash their hair. If they smell at school please know we do our best to make them wash but I cannot go into a shower with an older child or teenager to make sure they wash with soap and water.
16. Persistent nonsense questions, chatter, and senseless noises. Non-stop questions about mindless things. Constant “why” questions where they don’t care one bit about the answer but are just taking up your time. They want to be the center of attention at all times. And if it’s not questions it is meaningless chatter or noise. Imagine someone who refuses to get more than two feet from you who constantly clicks their tongue over and over for five or six hours just because they know it makes you crazy. And if you ask them to stop, they just do it louder because they know they are achieving their goal. Or how about listening to non-stop screaming. They scream until they can’t scream anymore because they lose their voice. Once healed they start screaming all over again. 
17. Non-stop demanding of attention. RAD must be the center of attention at all times. If someone or something else has your attention they will force themselves between in any way they can. One dad told this story. He was playing cards with another child at the kitchen table. RAD attempted to sit on dad’s lap – this is a 16-year-old male – and when that didn’t work he pulled up a chair so close it was touching dad’s chair and leaned heavily against dad, talking constantly and disrupting through the entire game and even putting his feet up on the table, asking dad to rub his feet. AND this was AFTER dad asked RAD to play the game with him and RAD retorted with profanity that he hates playing games and stomped off to his room. It was only after dad started playing with the other child that RAD became interested. 
18. Triangulation of adults. I wrote several sections in Adoption Combat Zone on triangulation. Most times this is pitting dad against mom but triangulation can occur with any adult who the RAD can manipulate including fellow church members, teachers, neighbors, extended family members, etc. The goal for the RAD is to manipulate someone to take their side in things. Triangulation occurs when RAD is allowed to come between adults. To one side they show their worst and the other, only their best. One person sees a sweet, adorable, perfect child/teen, the other sees someone who is trying to destroy them through whatever means possible. All this is done in order to get the life the RAD wants, one where they are in total control.  
19. False allegations of abuse. This is more common than any sane person would think and I’ve written much about it in the book. This is the number one go-to for RAD’s to get back at anyone who is not giving them what they want or to try and get what they want. We were turned into the authorities by our RAD’s several times for made-up abuses simply for not allowing them to keep a phone they stole and sit up all night watching porn on said phone. Mad at it being taken away they went to school the next day and reported us for abuse. Or when they feel threatened because they were caught doing something wrong they will turn in someone else in order to take the heat off themselves. They are fantastic story tellers.
20. Creating chaos. RAD’s are experts at creating commotion so they can be the center of attention whether it be something like the dad playing a game above or something more serious such as starting a fire in your kitchen so they can go through your purse to steal your cash and credit cards. They will disrupt family dinners and outings. They love arguing and the louder it gets, the better. 

This video by Todd Friel is a must-watch for anyone who is a friend, teacher, or family member of someone who has adopted a RAD child/teen. Todd Friel Video

If you are a family with a RAD child or teen here is an excellent resource for you: http://instituteforattachment.org/

Living with a RAD child/teen is like walking through a mine field. You never know when one step is going to blow everything up. It is highly stressful 24/7/365 with no breaks. And most adoptive parents never even heard the term RAD before they adopted so they have been completely blindsided. 

If you know someone who has adopted and that adopted child/teen has RAD please talk to the parents before having any interaction with the child/teen. Ask how the parents want you to interact and be aware of the above scenarios. Don’t allow the RAD to hurt his/her family by using you and your heart for helping others. Don’t automatically believe anything RAD says. Ours were some of the most proficient liars I’ve ever met. I would have believed them – I did believe them – until I knew better.

This is Simply My Opinion,

Kathe
www.adoptioncombatzone.com – Buy the book on Amazon and share about it on your social media pages
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