During one of the final re-writes of Adoption Combat Zone a friend asked me if Tom and I had ever contemplated divorce during the midst of the craziness in our home. I quickly answered no. Later, I thought more deeply about what she asked. Then added this to the book:
Marriage
A friend asked me if Tom and I had ever thought of divorce during all the craziness. I answered, “No.” There were some pretty rough spots, but we never got to that point. Three pieces of advice are (1) Keep your spouse #1 in your home. No matter what the drama of the day might be, hug them and love on them. Set aside time alone with them on a regular basis. A time to recharge the marriage batteries. (2) No blaming your spouse. Period. And (3) the best marriage is a marriage of three. The two of you plus Yahweh. Pray together. Spend time in the Word together.
Ecclesiastes 4:12: And though a man might prevail against one who is alone, two will withstand him – a threefold cord is not quickly broken.
There were definitely some terrible days and weeks between us. We argued. We were both stressed far beyond what any normal married couple dealt with and it was 24/7 for several years. Many times we held our tongues when what we really wanted to do was lash out at the other person. To blame, screaming at the other, “This is all your fault” would have been an easy out and maybe for a few minutes letting the anger spill out onto someone else, instead of where it really belonged, would have made us feel better. But that’s the easy road, the wide path. The hard road, the narrow path was to take responsibility, no matter how hard it got. To just dig in and get through the day, or the hour. And we both did that, with the help of Yahweh. Another thing on my “Grateful to Yahweh” list.
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Marriage is not easy in “normal” times. Two people coming together from different backgrounds and different ideas. When times get tough it’s imperative you have safeguards in place to protect this sacred relationship. The enemy is constantly on the prowl looking for cracks he can try to widen. Cracks like being apathetic towards your spouse, or even just so busy and stressed that he/she falls to last on your priority list. You may not mean to ignore him and his needs, it’s just that by the time bedtime rolls around you are still working on your “to do” list and he is not on it. Or you finally get some “me” time and want to spend it watching the game with the guys instead of spending time with your wife.
Or you may be in the hell of an adoption with one or more of your adoptees trying to integrate themselves in the middle – triangulation is VERY common in adoption. One parent is the target and the other parent doesn’t see it at all so they take the side of the adoptee. This is VERY dangerous to the marriage.
Wouldn’t you know the day I’m writing this message about marriage we would argue. The enemy is so predictable. I know his moves now. The argument started over something so innocent and escalated too quickly. It’s during times like these I can see the open wounds from our traumas have not yet healed. Deep hurts from the adoption come to the surface quickly and we resort to tactics to protect ourselves from even more hurts. Our PTSD immediately comes to the forefront and we lash out, not so much at the present situation, but for all those times we found ourselves in the pit of hell, not being able to do anything about it with our adopted teens.
Quickly, I put distance between us in order to calm down. We hadn’t argued in months and I was shaken up by how fast it came upon us. Without any warning. Reflecting on it I remembered Ephesians chapter 6 and the Armor of Yahweh. The battle is not between Tom and me. It is between Yahweh and the Enemy. We are merely pawns in that battle. Here I was beginning a message on marriage with Yahweh at the core so of course Satan must try to derail it. As I wrote in the book I’m pretty sure Satan hates me and I have a target on me.
So be it. I won’t back down from my mission. My mission to shout to the world the truth about adoptions. Families MUST be protected. Moms and dads who put everything on the line to help a child or teen MUST get the support they need and the false accusations against them by friends and family and governmental organizations must STOP!!! ENOUGH!
So I shout, and will continue to shout, the truth! So of course, Satan is going to try his best to stop me, distract me, or get me immersed in some minor drama. Not going to happen. I spent much of the night meditating on the greatness of Yahweh. His many amazing deeds down through the centuries. I forced my mind to think on Him instead of how I felt because of the argument. This morning reading Isaiah chapter 40 Isaiah talked about Yahweh living above the circle of the earth. Ha! 500 years before Yahshua (Jesus) they knew about a round earth! Love these little fun facts! Yahweh is GREAT!
The more I meditated on His greatness, the more I realized what was really happening and the more I could put the silly argument in its proper place. The garbage.
The real key in marriage is to keep your eyes constantly on Yahweh.
Matthew 6:33: But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you.
When you keep Him first, the rest falls into place. AND…if the problem persists and you follow Matthew 6:33 He will give you a peace in spite of the problem.
Philippians 4:7 And the peace of Yahweh, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Messiah Yahshua.
My heart is at total peace this morning. And no matter what the Enemy throws at me today, I will be ready with the Sword of the Spirit, which is the Word of Yahweh! (Ephesians 6:17)
Stress is a certainty in this world today. Satan is a very real enemy and his number one mission is to destroy our relationship with Yahweh along with our other relationships. He wants marriages destroyed; families destroyed. I have a sticky note on one of my kitchen cabinets. It reads:
The only effective way to fight in a marriage is to pray.
I would expand that to say the only effective way to fight with anyone or anything is to pray. He is our defender. Our refuge in times of trouble. He rights all wrongs. And best of all He is always there to talk.
Today is a new day. One in which I will put Yahweh first no matter what comes my way. I will celebrate His greatness and His glory! I pray your day is blessed by Him!
Simply My Opinion,
Kathe
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