One of the reasons I’m writing this book on adoption is as a warning to those who are contemplating adopting. In the book I will share other adoption stories that have been told to me. Names, locations, and other personal information has been changed to protect the families involved from further trauma. I will call them all Family X.
Here is the current Family X that I wrote about today. Please, if you’re thinking about adoption as this couple was, for all the right reasons, just like they were, STOP and WAIT. Ask yourself if you willing for this to happen to your family.
Family X
Imagine going through all the hoops to “rescue” an orphan and find yourself a year down the road and realize your life, as you once knew it, is gone. Forever. That has happened to so many families that I’ve literally lost count. Here is just one story.
Family X was a family of five. Dad, mom and three little’s. All under the age of 5. Dad and mom have a heart for orphans and for years have supported different organizations. One day at their church an orphan hosting agency is the guest speaker. They are looking for homes for some orphans who are aging out of the system in another country. Dad and mom turn to each other and smile. Yes! This is their heart. A heart for orphans. They talk after church with the representative from the agency to find out more. There is such a need for these teens who are aging out. They are told the horror stories of teen prostitution just to stay alive and how most of them end of dead in the street within on year of being kicked out of the orphanage. Dad and mom say they will talk and pray. They do. Although they have no experience with teenagers and have little’s at home there is no objection from their social worker who did their home study. They are approved. They decide on a boy because their three little ones are boys and they feel they are more comfortable with boys than girls. They bring their 13 year old boy (we will call him AS – adopted son) home not quite a year later and a bomb goes off in their family.
Another year later the family is shattered. All three little’s have been sexually and physically abused by AS. Although vigilant, the parents were not prepared for this possibility so did not know to protect the little’s. When bruising started showing up in private areas mom took the little’s to the doctor who then reported them to the local social services (SS) organization. Even after mom said that it must be the AS, first the dad, then the mom, were accused. After an invasive and accusatory investigation, the now 14 year old AS was found to be the culprit, but only after he bragged about it to others who turned him in to school authorities. He thought he had gotten away with it. By this time all three little’s were taken from the home and parents and were in foster care, with no counseling being done for them. The dad, after spending several weeks in jail for the abuse, was let out of jail and moved out, not being able to handle the destruction to his family. The mom was left in the home with the AS who was now physically abusing her. She was told by the authorities that they could not help her. Their church disappeared, the hosting agency disappeared and the social worker who did their home study was “unavailable”.
Even after going through what our family did I cannot imagine what was going on in her mind. Losing her entire family and being left alone with a boy they so desperately tried to help, now trying to protect herself from him and no one to help her. It makes me ill and so I write this book to open the eyes of others thinking they are going to do the same as this dad and mom. At this writing she is in a tiny apartment, divorced, no access to her little’s and stuck with a now 16 year old who has told her in no uncertain terms that he is going to kill her and find her little’s and kill them, too. She now is getting some help because she recorded him saying those things. But the damage has been done.
This family never thought anything like this was going to happen to them. They had the best of intentions. The boy they brought home was given rave reviews by the hosting and adoption organization and the orphanage director. There was no mention of rage or abuse. Later, during counseling required for court it came out that he had abused several other children in the orphanage. None of that was relayed to the adoptive parents although authorities in country were well aware.
So beware. If you, or someone you know, is planning to adopt, please, please, please educate yourselves first. And not just the happy stories, although I know there are those. This story I’ve just told is more common than I ever wanted to know. I have heard the sobs of moms and dads who have lost everything. Who don’t know what to do to get their life back. Who are hopeless. Scared. Exhausted from the daily battles. Who are afraid to sleep and so stay awake so they stay alive. Who have no one to stand up for them.
No more! No more families sacrificed on the alter of taking care of the orphans. There are other ways, better ways that don’t include bringing them into our homes like this dad and mom did. We can give more safeguards. More support. Believe them more. Give them the benefit of the doubt.
And more HONESTY throughout the adoption process. Stop the all rainbows and lollipops stories. Stop the guilt about aging out orphans. Just stop the guilt. I want to know who is going to feel guilty for those three little’s who are now growing up without THEIR dad and mom? Essentially three more orphans to save the one who never wanted to be saved!!!! Just stop!! Every time I think I’ve heard the worst story ever, a new email pops up or someone asking if they can call and talk to me. I didn’t know my eyes could cry this many tears.
Please share this post with everyone you know who is even thinking about adoption. Help me spread the word that this insanity needs to stop, or at least slow down so some drastic changes can be made to help protect families in cases like this. You can make a difference by sharing.
Thank you for reading. For listening. OH! If you know someone who is currently “living in the trenches” of adoption please love on them. Believe them. Trust them. It matters more than you can possibly imagine.
Simply My Opinion by Kathe
Great post. Thank you for writing it. It takes courage to say these things when the establishment is unrelentingly positive, and often quiet about important details (unfortunately for both the adopting parents and the adoptees). We too hosted twice and considered adopting an older child. But there were complications, and the cost was far beyond our ability. We also felt like the agencies involved deliberately withheld important information from us and that made us uncomfortable. I have seen and heard many adoption horror stories and I am sad for all involved. It’s not the foster or orphan kids’ faults that they often have narcissistic behaviors. But many do, and some can be dangerous. Prayers and lifting up all those who suffer from adoptions gone wrong. And a grateful heart for those adoptions that are successful. We are glad we hosted, we were so enriched by it. We are glad we considered adoption. And we are equally glad we decided to focus on our 3 bios and maintain our humble little family as is. Blessings and best wishes to you, Kathe.
Thank you so much for your kind words. Thank you for hosting. I’m so happy you saw the truth and stepped away. Thank you for sharing. Kathe